Writer's Block (Story Excerpt)

[Lunetta22]

Hey this is an excerpt from my novel. I am taking it to a conference and would like to have it critiqued first. Thank you for your help!

Writer’s Block

Writer’s Block. Anne hated the sound of it, the feel of it, the truth of it. She stared at her computer screen and willed her characters to speak to her. “Marry me,” Anne whispered, her hands hovering over her keyboard. “Why can’t I get you to say it?”
She poked her tongue out and studied her manuscript.

Nicholas held Aaryanna’s hand in both of his, unable to believe his luck that she was finally his. “I thought I lost you,” he whispered.

“Never,” Aaryanna breathed, running her fingers through his soft hair. “No matter what happens to me, you never will.”

“Not if I can help it,” Nicholas vowed, squeezing her hand. “I have nothing of value to give you, but...”

“Your love,” Aaryanna interrupted him, touching her fingers to his lips, “is enough for me.”

“You have it,” Nicholas said, admiring her beautiful face. He was a country knight, hardly better than a peasant, but she loved him anyway. A princess loved him. His princess. He was willing to give his life for her, but now he was hoping to share it. “Aaryanna will you,”

“Marry me,” Anne repeated, louder. She rested her head against her hands, frustrated. Why couldn’t she put to words how much Nicholas loved Aaryanna, how much he wanted to marry her? She felt like he was fighting every word she wrote.

Her roommate, Sara, poked her head through the kitchen doorway. “Are you proposing to your computer again?”

Anne glared at her. “No. I am trying to get Nicholas to propose to Aaryanna.” She settled back against her couch. Her writing den was the living room, where she could write with the television on and listen to her roommates chatter. She wrote best when she could ignore something.

Sara tucked a strand of strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. “Nicholas doesn’t want to marry Aaryanna. He wants to marry me.”

“Maybe I’ll just write you into the manuscript instead,” Anne said, feeling grumpy. She stared at her manuscript again. Maybe she couldn’t get him to propose because there was no chemistry between them. Had she developed their relationship well enough? Maybe the entire story was crap. “Or I could just rewrite the book.”

“If you keep rewriting it, you’ll never get published.” Sara sat on a chair across the living room from Anne. “Maybe you need a break. Come shopping with me.”

Anne didn’t feel like shopping, but Sara was right. She needed a break. “Okay, I’ll go with you.”

***
Nicholas Tremain watched as the computer screen darkened, casting a shadow across the sky. “She wants us to marry.”

“What gave you that idea?” Aaryanna asked, snatching her hand from his. “Our first kiss, or your clumsy proposal?”

“I haven’t proposed yet,” Nicholas reminded her. He studied the countryside. Birds paused in midair, the stream ceased to flow, and the clouds no longer moved in the sky. The world held still in anticipation of its author’s return, but Nicholas was finally free to act on his own. He wasn’t looking forward to a night spent arguing with Aaryanna.

“You’re about to,” Aaryanna said, smoothing skirts that didn’t require it. Despite the fact that Nicholas had just rescued her from Baron Farent’s men, her appearance remained immaculate. Even her hair was perfectly straight.

Nicholas’ shirt was torn, his hair was sticking out from sweat, and a knife scratch marred his cheek. He gave her an irritated look. “Not if I can help it.”

Aaryanna shook her head. “And how are you going to stop it? Block her?”

“I’m working on it,” Nicholas replied, concentrating. It took a lot of work to block an author, and he had been trying for weeks now. He watched the sky for any sign of change, and thought he detected a small flicker.

“The last time you tried to block her, we had our first kiss.”

“Accidents happen,” Nicholas said, raising a hand. “Now be quiet.”

“I will not be quiet!” Aaryanna said, indignant. “This is important Nicholas. I’d rather die than marry you.”

“That makes two of us,” Nicholas said, touching her arm. “Believe me.”

Aaryanna shrugged his hand off of her arm. “Must your hand be so thoroughly callused?”

“Yours would be too if you just spent the last three weeks saving me from marauding kidnappers,” Nicholas replied.

“It’s hardly my fault our author struggles through action sequences,” Aaryanna said, smoothing her wrinkle-free skirts. “Prince Donovan had his princess rescued in two days time.”

“That is a reflection of the author’s talent, not the character’s.”

“Not if the character is naturally more inspiring than you.”

“Is that why we see him every time Anne gets writers block?” Nicholas asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because he is so...inspirational?”

“He’s blocking his author for me,” Aaryanna retorted, folding her arms. “Eventually he hopes to get her to abandon the story.”

“How noble,” Nicholas said, watching as the sky suddenly flickered. Apartment buildings, sidewalks, and roads emerged from the countryside. They had entered the a world of fiction where characters lived while their authors had writer’s block. It was nicknamed “Writer’s Block.”

Nicholas didn’t look for Aaryanna at his side; she wouldn’t be there. A character always returned to the last place they were when re-entering Writer’s Block. Likewise, they always returned to the same spot in the book when their author began writing again.

Despite his story taking place in a medieval culture, he lived in a twenty first century modern apartment building complete with electricity and air conditioning. He would be welcome in the Block’s version of Camelot, where the legendary characters King Arthur and the Knights of the Round table lived. Or, more correctly, the King Arthurs. There were almost too many versions of King Arthur to count.

He could also live in Nottingham, where the legendary Robin Hood and his Merry Men lived. Or the simple, generic, Fantasy Quarter. Aaryanna lived in Fantasy Quarter, in a large pink castle. Nicholas preferred to live anywhere that Aaryanna did not. He chose a modern day apartment because it was far away from her, and he appreciated modern comforts.

His apartment building was thirty stories tall, and he lived at the top. Nicholas stepped into the lobby and nodded to the door attendant. He used the elevator to get to his apartment, and whistled tunelessly to the boring music.
Nicholas reached his apartment and opened the door. His roommate Bryce sat on the couch, watching television. “How long have you been here?”

“A couple weeks,” Bryce said, his voice higher than Nicholas remembered. “We didn’t think you’d ever return.”

“We?”

“Scott’s around.”

That wasn’t very surprising. “I don’t think his author will ever get over her block.”

“He wasn’t here when I first came,” Bryce said, shrugging.

“Interesting,” Nicholas said, studying Bryce. There was something different about him. His features were softer, and he had curves that no self respecting man should have. Nicholas’ blue eyes widened. “Weren’t you male the last time I saw you?”

“Not according to the final paragraph of page three hundred and twenty two,” Bryce said, glowering.

“And then your author got blocked.”

“Perfect timing,” Bryce said, her tone rueful.

“Pretty, isn’t she?” Scott asked, entering the room. He was dressed in tattered jeans and an overlarge sweatshirt. “I keep telling her to shave her legs. I think one of the businessmen across the hall might ask her out if she did.”

“Or you could go to Camelot,” Nicholas suggested. “I’ve met at least one Sir Gawain who likes loathly women.”

Bryce folded her arms. “I’ll remember this conversation the next time either one of you turns female.”

“Because a lady never forgets a slight?” Scott asked, raising his eyebrow.

“She’s far from a lady.” Nicholas laughed, but it was hollow. Bryce had a point. Anne had accidentally turned him into a woman a few times in the book. His eyes frequently changed color as well, and there was time when a very bad spelling error caused him to throw his own head. It was amazing how detrimental authorial negligence could be.

“Speaking of ladies, how is Aaryanna?” Scott asked, sitting on the couch.

Nicholas shrugged. “She is well. She’s looking for Donovan.”

“She really likes him, doesn’t she?”

“I think she loves him,” Nicholas said, shaking his head. “Pure insanity.”

“You don’t approve of inter-book dating?”

“It can’t possibly end well.”

“I don’t know,” Scott said, pushing up the sleeves of his shirt. “There’s always the chance that your authors will meet, fall in love, and combine their books.”

“Right. Pure insanity.”

“The hope is enough for some characters,” Bryce said, running a hand through her short hair. “I think it’s a beautiful thing.”

“I think you’ve been a woman too long,” Scott said, jabbing his thumb at her. “But still, I think I’ve found a way for you to get out of marrying Aaryanna.”

Nicholas blinked at the sudden change in conversation. “How?”

Scott leaned forward, his blue eyes bright. “I’ve figured out a way to become Real.”

[Mary]

I love the story idea. Good luck at the conference.
(Feeling too new to critique)

[Bohemienne]

I'm going to try to take this line by line. I hope it's helpful, and feel free to disregard any and all advice!

Writer’s Block. I don't think "block" needs to be capitalized. Anne hated the sound of it, the feel of it, the truth of it. She stared at her computer screen and willed her characters to speak to her. “Marry me,” Anne whispered, her hands hovering over her keyboard. “Why can’t I get you to say it?” I like this!
She poked her tongue out and studied her manuscript. She poked her tongue out? Is she sticking her tongue out at it in defiance? Clenching it between her teeth in concentration? Either way this seems caricaturish. I would find a subtler way to show either her frustration or defiance.

Nicholas held Aaryanna’s hand in both of his, unable to believe his luck that she was finally his. I know she's looking at a draft here, but this is some serious telling instead of showing! “I thought I lost you,” he whispered.

“Never,” Aaryanna breathed, running her fingers through his soft hair. “No matter what happens to me, you never will.”

“Not if I can help it,” Nicholas vowed, squeezing her hand. “I have nothing of value to give you, but...”

“Your love,” Aaryanna interrupted him, touching her fingers to his lips, “is enough for me.”

“You have it,” Nicholas said, admiring her beautiful face. He was a country knight, hardly better than a peasant, but she loved him anyway. A princess loved him. His princess. He was willing to give his life for her, but now he was hoping to share it. “Aaryanna will you,”

I'm not familiar with your story, so I don't know if she's supposed to be writing pulpish blouserippers, but this segment is full of -ing actions that accompany said bookisms. "Said" is NOT a dirty word. Nearly every line here is following the same pattern: "Wow," overemoted someone, doing some action. "I better use a very specific dialogue tag because I don't have faith in my dialogue to adequately convey my character's emotions." Trust your dialogue to tell us how they're saying as well as what. Vary up your patterns, too.

“Marry me,” Anne repeated, louder. She rested her head against her hands, frustrated. I know she's frustrated because she rested her head against her hands. I don't have to be explicitly told. Why couldn’t she put to words how much Nicholas loved Aaryanna, how much he wanted to marry her? She felt like he was fighting every word she wrote.

Her roommate, Sara, poked her head through the kitchen doorway. “Are you proposing to your computer again?” Nice!

Anne glared at her. “No. I am trying to get Nicholas to propose to Aaryanna.” She settled back against her couch. Her writing den was the living room, where she could write with the television on and listen to her roommates chatter. She wrote best when she could ignore something. I like the line about needing something to ignore! Why are we getting this information now? Is this the story's very beginning, or somewhere down the line?

Sara tucked a strand of strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. “Nicholas doesn’t want to marry Aaryanna. He wants to marry me.”

“Maybe I’ll just write you into the manuscript instead,” Anne said, feeling grumpy. Again, I should be able to tell that she's grumpy from the dialogue or her actions. Is she mad AT Sara and is being sarcastic here? Or exasperated and searching for a solution? She stared at her manuscript again. Maybe she couldn’t get him to propose because there was no chemistry between them. Had she developed their relationship well enough? Maybe the entire story was crap. “Or I could just rewrite the book.”

“If you keep rewriting it, you’ll never get published.” Sara sat on a chair across the living room from Anne. “Maybe you need a break. Come shopping with me.” The "maybe" here echoes the previous paragraph too much, and Sara seems like a pretty direct character. "You need a break" may suffice for her, without the maybe.

Anne didn’t feel like shopping, but Sara was right. She needed a break. “Okay, I’ll go with you.” I personally don't like the "need a break" repetition here, but it could serve its purpose fine.

***
Nicholas Tremain watched as the computer screen darkened, casting a shadow across the sky. “She wants us to marry.” Uh oh! Here come the -ing clauses again!

“What gave you that idea?” Aaryanna asked, snatching her hand from his. “Our first kiss, or your clumsy proposal?” Excellent dialogue here!

“I haven’t proposed yet,” Nicholas reminded her. I'd cut the dialogue tag. He studied the countryside. Birds paused in midair, the stream ceased to flow, and the clouds no longer moved in the sky. The world held still in anticipation of its author’s return, but Nicholas was finally free to act on his own. Really nice! I look forward to more descriptions of how Anne's writing shifts the world! He wasn’t looking forward to a night spent arguing with Aaryanna.

“You’re about to,” Aaryanna said, smoothing skirts that didn’t require it. Despite the fact that Nicholas had just rescued her from Baron Farent’s men, her appearance remained immaculate. Even her hair was perfectly straight.

Nicholas’ shirt was torn, his hair was sticking out from sweat, and a knife scratch marred his cheek. Another nice job with the descriptions. He gave her an irritated look. “Not if I can help it.”

Aaryanna shook her head. “And how are you going to stop it? Block her?”

“I’m working on it,” Nicholas replied, concentrating. If he's working on it, it's a safe bet it requires concentration. redundant It took a lot of work to block an author, and he had been trying for weeks now. He watched the sky for any sign of change, and thought he detected a small flicker.

“The last time you tried to block her, we had our first kiss.”

“Accidents happen,” Nicholas said, raising a hand. “Now be quiet.”

“I will not be quiet!” Aaryanna said, indignant. her shout seemed pretty indignant to me on its own. “This is important, Nicholas. I’d rather die than marry you.”

“That makes two of us,” Nicholas said, touching her arm. “Believe me.”

Aaryanna shrugged his hand off of her arm. “Must your hand be so thoroughly callused?”

“Yours would be too if you just spent the last three weeks saving me from marauding kidnappers,” Nicholas replied.

“It’s hardly my fault our author struggles through action sequences,” Aaryanna said, smoothing her wrinkle-free skirts. You already had her smoothing skirts that didn't require it. I'd find another way to show her insufferable primness, or else just pare down on all the fidgety action that accompanies their conversation. “Prince Donovan had his princess rescued in two days' time.”

“That is a reflection of the author’s talent, not the character’s.”

“Not if the character is naturally more inspiring than you.”

“Is that why we see him every time Anne gets writers block?” Nicholas asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because he is so...inspirational?”

“He’s blocking his author for me,” Aaryanna retorted, folding her arms. “Eventually he hopes to get her to abandon the story.”

“How noble,” Nicholas said, watching as the sky suddenly flickered. Apartment buildings, sidewalks, and roads emerged from the countryside. They had entered the a world of fiction where characters lived while their authors had writer’s block. It was nicknamed “Writer’s Block.”

Nicholas didn’t look for Aaryanna at his side; she wouldn’t be there. A character always returned to the last place they were when re-entering Writer’s Block. Likewise, they always returned to the same spot in the book when their author began writing again.

Despite his story taking place in a medieval culture, he lived in a twenty first century modern apartment building complete with electricity and air conditioning. This is a little generic. Tell us a little more about Nicholas--is he the kind of bachelor to have shag carpeting, or a stainless steel kitchen? Look for little details to really ground us and tell us about him. He would be welcome in the Block’s version of Camelot, where the legendary characters King Arthur and the Knights of the Round table lived. Or, more correctly, the King Arthurs. There were almost too many versions of King Arthur to count.

He could also live in Nottingham, where the legendary Robin Hood and his Merry Men lived. Or the simple, generic, Fantasy Quarter. Aaryanna lived in Fantasy Quarter, in a large pink castle. Nicholas preferred to live anywhere that Aaryanna did not. He chose a modern day apartment because it was far away from her, and he appreciated modern comforts.

His apartment building was thirty stories tall, and he lived at the top. Nicholas stepped into the lobby and nodded to the door attendant. He used the elevator to get to his apartment, and whistled tunelessly to the boring music.
Nicholas reached his apartment and opened the door. The whistling tunelessly is a nice touch, but this otherwise pretty dull. I'd rather jump to him entering the apartment building--moving sequences are really hard to spice up. His roommate Bryce sat on the couch, watching television. “How long have you been here?”

“A couple weeks,” Bryce said, his voice higher than Nicholas remembered. “We didn’t think you’d ever return.”

“We?”

“Scott’s around.”

That wasn’t very surprising. “I don’t think his author will ever get over her block.”

“He wasn’t here when I first came,” Bryce said, shrugging.

“Interesting,” Nicholas said, studying Bryce. More of the -ings! "Nicholas studied Bryce." would do fine, and we'd still learn that it was Nicholas who was talking. There was something different about him. His features were softer, and he had curves that no self respecting man should have. Nicholas’ blue eyes widened. “Weren’t you male the last time I saw you?”

“Not according to the final paragraph of page three hundred and twenty two,” Bryce said, glowering.

“And then your author got blocked.”

“Perfect timing,” Bryce said, her tone rueful.

“Pretty, isn’t she?” Scott asked, entering the room. He was dressed in tattered jeans and an overlarge How is it too big? Are the sleeves dangling around his knees, does it swallow him up? Find a way to show us how big it is rather than telling us. sweatshirt. “I keep telling her to shave her legs. I think one of the businessmen across the hall might ask her out if she did.”

“Or you could go to Camelot,” Nicholas suggested. “I’ve met at least one Sir Gawain who likes loathly ? women.”

Bryce folded her arms. “I’ll remember this conversation the next time either one of you turns female.”

“Because a lady never forgets a slight?” Scott asked, raising his eyebrow.

“She’s far from a lady.” Nicholas laughed, but it was hollow. Bryce had a point. Anne had accidentally turned him into a woman a few times in the book. His eyes frequently changed color as well, and there was time when a very bad spelling error caused him to throw his own head. It was amazing how detrimental authorial negligence could be. Nice!

“Speaking of ladies, how is Aaryanna?” Scott asked, sitting on the couch.

Nicholas shrugged. “She is well. She’s looking for Donovan.”

“She really likes him, doesn’t she?”

“I think she loves him,” Nicholas said, shaking his head. “Pure insanity.”

“You don’t approve of inter-book dating?”

“It can’t possibly end well.”

“I don’t know,” Scott said, pushing up the sleeves of his shirt. “There’s always the chance that your authors will meet, fall in love, and combine their books.”

“Right. Pure insanity.”

“The hope is enough for some characters,” Bryce said, running a hand through her short hair. “I think it’s a beautiful thing.”

“I think you’ve been a woman too long,” Scott said, jabbing his thumb at her. “But still, I think I’ve found a way for you to get out of marrying Aaryanna.”

Nicholas blinked at the sudden change in conversation. “How?”

Scott leaned forward, his blue eyes bright. “I’ve figured out a way to become Real.”

Ooh! great hook at the end there, and a really cool premise. Is this the first chapter? Hope you find my suggestions useful in some way.

[JustineDell]

First, is this a romance? If it is, I have to say - WOW! Your premise is so original I am utterly amazed. When I got to the part about the computer screen clicking off and then the characters talking about the story I laughed because I never expected it. I was pulled in from that moment. Great job on that!

Now, Bohemienne made some excellent points with your excerpt. Seriously consider taking her advice. You use A LOT of action tags and "saids" in your dialogue. I know, 'said' is not a bad word, but you can trust your reader to know who talking and how they are feeling based on the dialogue alone.

Adding movement within the dialogue is something entirely different and have hit that on a couple points (like when she smoothes out her skirt - you did this twice btw, so try not to repeat)

Other than that, it's really good. Tighten it up just a bit and I'd say you've got a winner!!

~JD

[Lunetta22]

Thank you for your comment Mary!

Thank you very much for the editing, Bohemienne! Your suggestions were definitely helpful. (I can use them to look through the rest of my manuscript.) The opening pages of Anne's story aren't supposed to be very good. She's a beginning writer, and her problems with villain creations and attempt to make incompatible characters fall in love just leads to trouble... ;)

This is the first chapter of the book. :)

Thank you for your comment Justine! It is a romance, and I am glad that the premise is original! It's terribly fun to write. It definitely needs a bit of tightning up. Thank you again!

[stardog911]

Same as the rest, too much -ings. Let me know when you publish though, I'm hooked! Good Luck!

[StayPositive]

Bohemienne looked to be spot on with the detailed analysis. My comment is an overall impression and I sense a screenplay rather than a novel.

He gave her an irritated look. “Not if I can help it.”

Aaryanna shook her head. “And how are you going to stop it? Block her?”

“I’m working on it,” Nicholas replied, concentrating.

Just about every piece of dialog appears wrapped in stage directions. Therefore I don't get a sense of the conversation, or of the characters. I feel like I'm taking an outside view of the story, sitting beside the director, rather than becoming immersed in the flow of the story.

Great premise though.

[Lunetta22]

Thank you stardog! I will definitely be more aware of the ing clauses! (

Thank you, staypositive. I will work on making it less script like? Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between less is more and more is less. I keep hearing add more movement, add less, I need to know how they saying this...let the dialogue speak for itself...I think writing will drive me insane. ;) (I tend for minimalism.

Seriously though, thank you so much for the feedback! It gives me a lot to think on as I take this story t hrough it's final revisions before I try to shop it. (Conference in April...can't wait!)

[aspiring_x]

HOLY CROW LUNETTA!
That was awesome! And I'm ready for you to be published... now please. I want more! Anyway, the only thing that bugged me was this bit...

“How noble,” Nicholas said, watching as the sky suddenly flickered. Apartment buildings, sidewalks, and roads emerged from the countryside. They had entered the a world of fiction where characters lived while their authors had writer’s block. It was nicknamed “Writer’s Block.”

Nicholas didn’t look for Aaryanna at his side; she wouldn’t be there. A character always returned to the last place they were when re-entering Writer’s Block. Likewise, they always returned to the same spot in the book when their author began writing again.

Despite his story taking place in a medieval culture, he lived in a twenty first century modern apartment building complete with electricity and air conditioning. He would be welcome in the Block’s version of Camelot, where the legendary characters King Arthur and the Knights of the Round table lived. Or, more correctly, the King Arthurs. There were almost too many versions of King Arthur to count.

He could also live in Nottingham, where the legendary Robin Hood and his Merry Men lived. Or the simple, generic, Fantasy Quarter. Aaryanna lived in Fantasy Quarter, in a large pink castle. Nicholas preferred to live anywhere that Aaryanna did not. He chose a modern day apartment because it was far away from her, and he appreciated modern comforts.

All the ideas were great, it's just that it didn't flow as smoothly as the rest. It read sort of like here are the pieces, here's the board, and these are the rules of the game. I know you can smooth this out. And the line "It was nicknamed 'Writer's Block" was really close to cheesy. Could you just refer to the place as Writer's Block without telling us that's what it's called.
Anyway, great, great stuff.
-vic

[Lunetta22]

Thank you very much for your insight Vic! I can definitely work on that part. It felt wrong to me too, and I am glad that you pointed it out! Amazing how that works isn't it?

I plan to market this as Young Adult...rather, I like to think of it as Young Adult fantasy, but I am not entirely sure. The characters are adults, wtih adult concerns. But Anne is barely 18. I can't really drop her age, either. Nicholas lives in his own house when he comes to reality, and I can't have an adult living on their own trying to romance a high schooler. Any thoughts on this? Does it read as YA?

[aspiring_x]

well, all i can say about the issue of 18 year old girl +older man is that when i was just barely 18 i dated three men: a 26 year old, a 23 year old, and a 20 year old (now my husband). so, i don't really see too much trouble with it. but i think a distinguishing factor is whether it is a high school 18 or a college 18. i have very icky feelings about high schoolers dating adults... like press charges if possible kinds of feelings... have you considered the new adult genre? i'm not sure how universal it is yet, but it's just a thought. another thought is YA cross-over. i don't know. it's hard to tell, never having read your book, only the tantalizing tidbit here. i thought this bit would work either way.

sorry, just reread your comment and it is a high schooler... eek. i don't know!

[Lunetta22]

Sorry I probaby wasn't clear. I meant I didn't want to drop Anne's age becuase I didn't want a 16 year old girl dating a man who is old enough to have his own apartment. Currently Anne is 18 and a high school graduate living with roommates. Nicholas is 20. They're all college students. :) (Well, Nicholas isn't. ;)) I don't know what new age adult fiction means?

[aspiring_x]

here's a link...
http://www.examiner.com/x-11029-Young-A ... dult-Genre
i don't know if the name of the genre will catch on, but it seems like there's a bunch of books that fall in the same in between ages place as yours seems to. i originally read about it in nb's blog, janet reid's, or the rejectionist's... but i can't remember which. i just remember them being a bit skeptical about whether the title New Adult would stick, even though they seemed as though they thought there was a need for such a genre. i hope that made sense! i'm feeling quite convoluted tonight :)

[Lunetta22]

Thank you for the link! It does sound exactly like my story. I will have to consider it.