YA Fantasy - First 350 words

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shadow
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YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by shadow » January 6th, 2011, 10:19 am

Hey guys! I haven't been on here awhile and I was wondering what you think of my new first chapter start. Are you hooked? I am currently working on revisions for a publisher and agent, so I really would like to know if you are hooked or not. As always, be HARSH. :)

CHAPTER ONE

Vitiosus took slow steps out into the centre of the village square. Beads of sweat rippled below the suffocating metal of his helmet and the tips of his fingers numbed. He had no choice. Kill or die. The crunch of the gravel below his boots echoed up and filled his ears. With one final glance toward his father on the throne, Vitiosus clutched his sword by the handle and tore the cold steel from its scabbard with a sing. He was determined to make his father proud of him–just this once.

The crowd’s roars vibrated all around and Lassertian flags rose high into the blue of the sky. He couldn’t fail before his nation’s eyes. He couldn’t fail before his father’s eyes. Vitiosus took another deep breath, and his gaze locked on the human’s. Enveloped in the abyss of the human’s blue eyes, Vitiosus watched every bite of his lip, every struggle, tremble and every fold of his perspiring skin in the chains he was held back in. Nothing. Heat spread out below Vitiosus’ face and his heart raced. He gulped. Fighting a human seeker was like fighting a sabre-toothed tiger in a blindfold.

The king raised his arm and cried, “Release the human seeker!” Two guards stepped forward. They bent down, black armor clattered, and their pale hands unlocked the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. The human rubbed his wrists and shook his hair out.

“VITIOSUS!” the crowds began to chant.

The swords weight in his sticky palm felt like he held up the world’s weight in his arm. His muscles tensed. He furrowed his brows.

The crowds roared when the Lassertian guards handed the human his sword.

Everything around Vitiosus blurred as he fixed his gaze only on the warrior in front of him. The deep battle drum echoed throughout the square and drowned the thumps of his racing heart. Every brick wall has a soft spot Vitiosus thought and pursed his lips.

“Begin!” The King commanded.

Vitiosus gritted his teeth and his muscles tightened.

The warrior walked forward and lifted his sword, embalmed with infinity and gemstones. The crowd grew silent when the warrior lunged at Vitiosus, his face twisted in fury. Vitiosus met the striking sword with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow pushed Vitiosus backward; he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the attack.

Thank you so much. And just a question, I AM writing in first person close, right?
(I mean THIRD person! my, bad :) and my questions was am i writing limited or omni? Sorry :)
Last edited by shadow on January 6th, 2011, 3:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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AContos
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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by AContos » January 6th, 2011, 11:27 am

shadow wrote:Hey guys! I haven't been on here awhile and I was wondering what you think of my new first chapter start. Are you hooked? I am currently working on revisions for a publisher and agent, so I really would like to know if you are hooked or not. As always, be HARSH. :)

CHAPTER ONE

Vitiosus took slow steps out into the centre of the village square. Beads of sweat rippled below the suffocating metal of his helmet and the tips of his fingers numbed. He had no choice. Kill or die. The crunch of the gravel below his boots echoed up and filled his ears. With one final glance toward his father on the throne, Vitiosus clutched his sword by the handle and tore the cold steel from its scabbard with a sing. He was determined to make his father proud of him–just this once.

The crowd’s roarsvibrated all around and Lassertian flags rose high into the blue of the sky. He couldn’t fail before his nation’s eyes. He couldn’t fail before his father’s eyes. Vitiosus took another deep breath, and his gaze locked on the human’s. Enveloped in the abyss of the human’s blue eyes, Vitiosus watched every bite of his lip, every struggle, tremble and every fold of his perspiring skin in the chains he was held back in. Nothing. Heat spread out below Vitiosus’ face and his heart raced. He gulped. Fighting a human seeker was like fighting a sabre-toothed tiger in a blindfold.

The king raised his arm and cried, “Release the human seeker!” Two guards stepped forward. They bent down, black armor clattered, and their pale hands unlocked the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. The human rubbed his wrists and shook his hair out.

“VITIOSUS!” the crowds began to chant.

The swords weight in his sticky palm felt like he held up the world’s weight in his arm. His muscles tensed. He furrowed his brows.

The crowds roared when the Lassertian guards handed the human his sword.

Everything around Vitiosus blurred as he fixed his gaze only on the warrior in front of him. The deep battle drum echoed throughout the square and drowned the thumps of his racing heart. Every brick wall has a soft spot Vitiosus thought and pursed his lips.

“Begin!” The King commanded.

Vitiosus gritted his teeth and his muscles tightened.

The warrior walked forward and lifted his sword, embalmed with infinity and gemstones. The crowd grew silent when the warrior lunged at Vitiosus, his face twisted in fury. Vitiosus met the striking sword with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow pushed Vitiosus backward; he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the attack.

Thank you so much. And just a question, I AM writing in first person close, right?
This is third person. First person would be: I met the striking sword with my own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow pushed me backward; I barely managed to maintain my grip as I redirected the attack.

I couldn't find anything glaringly wrong. You do a great job with sensory description - it really helps to set the scene and give texture to it! The only thing you might think about changing (and this is purely personal opinion) is getting to the action a little quicker. Hope that helps!

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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by Emily J » January 6th, 2011, 8:25 pm

shadow wrote:Hey guys! I haven't been on here awhile and I was wondering what you think of my new first chapter start. Are you hooked? I am currently working on revisions for a publisher and agent, so I really would like to know if you are hooked or not. As always, be HARSH. :)

CHAPTER ONE

Vitiosus took slow steps out into the centre center? of the village square. Beads of sweat rippled below the suffocating metal of his helmet and the tips of his fingers numbed. He had no choice. Kill or die. The crunch of the gravel below his boots echoed up and filled his ears. With one final glance toward his father on the throne, Vitiosus clutched his sword by the handle and tore the cold steel from its scabbard with a sing. <-- a sing? not a ring? He was determined to make his father proud of him–just this once.

The crowd’s roars vibrated all around and Lassertian flags rose high into the blue of the sky. He couldn’t fail before his nation’s eyes. He couldn’t fail before his father’s eyes. <-- this repetition works nicely Vitiosus took another deep breath, and his gaze locked on the human’s. Enveloped in the abyss of the human’s blue eyes, Vitiosus watched every bite of his lip, every struggle, tremble comma and every fold of his perspiring skin in the chains he was held back in. this sentence is a bit awkward, indefinite pronouns and the listing here didn't work for me Nothing. <-- not sure I understand this Heat spread out below Vitiosus’ face and his heart raced. He gulped. Fighting a human seeker was like fighting a sabre-toothed tiger in a blindfold.

The king raised his arm and cried, “Release the human seeker!” <-- this doesn't work, the repetition of "human seeker" feels contrived, you need to change it up, maybe just use human, OR seeker Two guards stepped forward. They bent down, black armor clattered, this is a mistake, it should be "black armor clattering" OR "They bent down and their black armor clattered" and their pale hands unlocked the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. The human rubbed his wrists and shook his hair out.

“VITIOSUS!” the crowds crowds? i would use crowd here, unless there is a good reason to distinguish different crowds began to chant.

The swords weight in his sticky palm felt like he held up the world’s weight in his arm. <-- this sentence feels a bit over-wrought His muscles tensed. He furrowed his brows. NOOOOO!!!! Sorry, this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine, how many people go around furrowing their brows. It's cliche, avoid like the plague (which is a cliche too, haha im so clever... but not really)

The crowds roared when the Lassertian guards handed the human his sword.

Everything around Vitiosus blurred as he fixed his gaze only on the warrior in front of him. The deep battle drum echoed throughout the square and drowned the thumps of his racing heart. Every brick wall has a soft spot <-- i would italicize his thoughts, but that's my preference Vitiosus thought and pursed his lips.

“Begin!” The King commanded.

Vitiosus gritted his teeth also a cliche! but not as bad as a furrowed brow and his muscles tightened.

The warrior walked forward and lifted his sword, embalmed <-- embalmed??? odd word choice, and infinity? i dont understand, which might be your intention with infinity and gemstones. The crowd where did those other crowds go? grew silent when the warrior lunged at Vitiosus, his indefinite pronoun face twisted in fury. Vitiosus met the striking sword with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow pushed Vitiosus backward; he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the attack.

Thank you so much. And just a question, I AM writing in first person close, right?
(I mean THIRD person! my, bad :) and my questions was am i writing limited or omni? Sorry :)
Hi Shadow, welcome back! I also fell off the face of the earth for awhile and am just getting back here.
I believe you are writing in third person limited. That just means the third person voice can jump into one character's head. If it's omniscient, it means the narrative voice is like God and knows all and sees all and what know what the human is thinking the same time he is fighting Viiosus. I hope that makes sense. If you are writing in first person it would be like "I grabbed my sword. I didn't want to disappoint my nation, my father..." in other words it would be written directly from Vitiosus's perspective.

As far as the passage itself, I do appreciate you starting with the action. My only concern though, it some of the descriptions and what not are a bit vague and generic. Don't rely on cliches, give us those unique interesting details like how the inside of the helmet smells, or what the Lassertian flag looks like. Know what I mean? And please, no brow furrowing, it is a pet peeve of mine :)

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shadow
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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by shadow » January 8th, 2011, 11:41 am

Emily,

I missed your critiques :) Thanks so much for this one. Working hard on this opener and I really see what you mean. Will update and hope you had an amazing holiday season!
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Emily J
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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by Emily J » January 8th, 2011, 2:19 pm

shadow wrote:Emily,

I missed your critiques :) Thanks so much for this one. Working hard on this opener and I really see what you mean. Will update and hope you had an amazing holiday season!
Awww thanks! It's good to be back. And I did want to say that I have been reading your posts for awhile now and you are improving tremendously. I think you have done a lot of hard work and it shows!

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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by wordranger » January 8th, 2011, 10:01 pm

I like how you start with a very action-oriented scene. In doing this, though, you need to make sure your action is extremely crisp. When they actually start fighting, it's a little unemotional, which may be intentional, but I think if you really get into your main character's head, you could make this much more compelling.

Also, we get that the main character is not human, but I'm not sure why he thinks the human is so dangerous. Maybe if I knew a little more about what he looked like, I might understand this. Is he a three-foot tall person? Does he only have one arm and has to fight a human with two? Why is this going to be a challenge?

I think I'd get a better grip on the scene if you could intertwine a little more of the description while the action is going on. Notice, I said "while the action is going on" Don't change your beginning. I love stories that start like this, but the trick is to have a scene that moves, and is as visually compelling as it is action oriented. Does this make sense?

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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by Guardian » January 8th, 2011, 10:12 pm

Welcome back, Shadow! It's good to see you again! Nice work with the rewrite. Although there was two lines in the original what I missed from this one...

"Someone was going to die today." (Your original first sentence was stronger in my opinion. It was a good hook.).
"... the gravel crunched under his feet and the wisps of wind swirled about his head as he calculated his chances."
(And this line gave a really good internal conflict for Vitiosus, also in the beginning.).

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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by shadow » January 8th, 2011, 10:44 pm

Emily J: Thanks so much :)
Word Ranger and Guardian:
Great to see you guys still on here and thanks for the welsome back!!! Ok, so this chapter one, which I thought I had previously gotten perfect has had revisions and I totally agree with what you guys are saying. Thus...My newest revision. I guess I took allot from my oldest because I feel when I rewrite too much I lose the essence of the story. Thanks so much anyways! Back to the writing desk for me:)
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Re: YA Fantasy - First 350 words

Post by mnaylor3 » January 10th, 2011, 1:16 pm

CHAPTER ONE

He had no choice. Kill or die. The crunch of the gravel below his boots echoed up and filled his ears. With one final glance toward his father on the throne, Vitiosus clutched his sword by the handle and tore the cold steel from its scabbard with a sing. He was determined to make his father proud of him–just this once.

“VITIOSUS!” the crowds began to chant.

The crowd’s roars vibrated all around and Lassertian flags rose high into the blue of the sky...
This might be a bad suggestion, but what if the opening kinda looked like this instead of this?

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