Forsaken Excerpt

[notw]

This is currently the opening to my book aka my prologue. Do you think it is a good enough hook or should I just get rid of it?

Prologue
The sound of boots kissing the marble floor resounded down the long hallway, ricocheting off the stone pillars as the general made his way to the throne room. He was grumbling under his breath for it was nearly midnight when the king had called, and he had been sleeping soundly.

Making it to the throne room, he nodded his head to one of the guards waiting at the entrance. Saluting, the guard opened the door.

“My Lord, you called?” the general said, bowing before King Segreth who was seated on the throne. Directly to the right, stood the prince, his face solemn.

The king looked at the general, his eyes burning brightly, while an old hag with a hunched back was lying on the floor muttering. “I did,” he said, glancing down at the hag. “What do you know of the prophecy?”

“Very little,” the general replied. Stroking his chin, the king narrowed his eyes at the general. “Hasn’t the prophecy already been fulfilled by you my lord?”

Getting up from his throne, the king walked down two steps and stood near the hag. He kicked her in the side. She stood up and bowed to the king before starting to recite her vision. “Cerdwin has granted me a vision, one which I have told His Majesty.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes before she continued. “It is coming to pass, that which has been long foretold. Cerdwin has warned me that if His Majesty is not careful, he too will be nothing more than a mere memory of the past. If action is not taken soon, then Echin will die at the hands of a peasant ruler and his family.”

“Do you know what this means?” the king asked, turning around to face his general.

The general shook his head, even though he had an idea of what the king would say next. It was better to play it safe when he was in one of his moods, than try and speak.

“It means the Forsaken must have found this peasant before they were killed. We need to take care of this problem before it explodes into something we may not be able to fix.”

“Understood, My Lord.”

“Are you still in contact with Bouldin?” the king asked, pacing back and forth.

“No, but I am sure my men can find him.”

The king pursed his lips together, contemplating what he was told. “I want you to find him and tell him the king has need of his services. Once he agrees or you force him, this is what we will do…”

[sbs_mjc1]

The sound of boots kissing the marble floor resounded down the long hallway, ricocheting off the stone pillars as the general made his way to the throne room. [I'm conficted here-- love the creative verb use, but kissing may be too soft a verb for very hard footfalls which are clearly making quite a bit of noise] He [Does he have a name?] was grumbling under his breath forIt was nearly midnight when the king had called, and he had been sleeping soundly.

Making it to the throne room,He nodded his head to one of the guards waiting at the entrance of the throne room. Saluting, the guard opened the door.

“My Lord,you called, What do you require Your Majesty?” [1. Let's dodge the Captain Obvious dialogue, 2. if you're going to use Western European conventions of rank-- ie, king, general, prince, etc-- then you'll want to use the appropriate forms of address. Wikipedia actually has a helpful list!] the general said, bowing before King Segreth who was seated on the throne. Directly to the right, stood the prince, his face solemn.

The king looked at the general, his eyes burning brightly, while an old hag with a hunched back was lying on the floor muttering. “I did,”he said, glancing down at the hag. The king glanced at her. “What do you know of the prophecy?”

“Very little,” the general replied. Stroking his chin, the king narrowed his eyes at the general. “Hasn’t the prophecy already been fulfilled by you my lord?” [Who is speaking? Again, using the correct forms of address is really helpful here]

Getting up from his throne, the king walked down two steps and stood near the hag. He kicked her in the side. She stood up and bowed to the king before starting to recite her vision. “Cerdwin has granted me a vision, one which I have told His Majesty.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes before she continued. “It is coming to pass, that which has been long foretold. Cerdwin has warned me that if His Majesty is not careful, he too will be nothing more than a mere memory of the past. If action is not taken soon, then Echin will die at the hands of a peasant ruler and his family.”

“Do you know what this means?” the king asked, turning around to face his general.

The general shook his head, even though he had an idea of what the king would say next. It was better to play it safe when he was in one of his moods, than try and speak.

“It means the Forsaken must have found this peasant before they were killed. We need to take care of this problem before it explodes into something we may not be able to fix.”

“Understood, My Lord.”

“Are you still in contact with Bouldin?” the king asked, pacing back and forth.

“No, but I am sure my men can find him.”

The king pursed his lips together, contemplating what he was told. “I want you to find him and tell him the king has need of his services. Once he agrees or you force him, this is what we will do…”

Several overall comments.
1. You need more sensory details. Right now, the reader gets no picture of this world-- I'm imaging alinolium-tiled conference room with metal folding chairs for the throne room right now. Plus, the setup of the building (castle? palace?) will tell us lot about the society/world you've created. A heavily fortified castle with thick stone walls speaks of a different environment than a palace with wide, ground-floor windows, for example.
2. More of the general's thoughts, since we're clearly seeing the world through his eyes. How is he reacting to this revelation?
3. Who are we sympathizing with? Is this peasant person the bad guy? Or the king?
4. What are the stakes? This goes back to the previous point-- for example, if the peasant killing the prince (?) is going to throw the kingdom into a bloody civil war and ruin all the Nice Things the king has built up during his reign, we need to know that. If the king is evil and needs to be stopped, we need to have something about him that makes the audience go YUCK (and no, having him kick the seer doesn't do it-- it's cliche, unless you've got a Robert Bruce-esque ''rough but competent'' type, in which case you need to establish that he's a good and respected leader).

[notw]

sbs_mjc1,

Thanks for the comments! They were very helpful.

[Emily J]

This is currently the opening to my book aka my prologue. Do you think it is a good enough hook or should I just get rid of it?

Prologue
The sound of boots kissing agree with other post that kissing while unique, does not seem like the right word the marble floor resounded down the long hallway, ricocheting off the stone pillars as the general made his way to the throne room. He was grumbling under his breath for it was nearly midnight when the king had called, and he had been sleeping soundly.

Making it to the throne room <-- this seems implied and unnecessary he nodded his head to one of the guards waiting at the entrance. Saluting, what kind of salute? what is the actual action? the guard opened the door.

“My Lord, you called?” the general said, bowing before King Segreth who was seated on the throne. Directly to the right, stood the prince, his face solemn. hmm already getting a bad feeling that the descriptors are too generic, we don't get any descriptions of the king, prince, or general

The king looked at the general, his eyes burning brightly, <-- eyes burning brightly sounds slightly cliched while an old hag with a hunched back was lying on the floor muttering. this needs to be a new paragraph or it seems at first as though the hag is speaking here --> “I did,” he said, glancing down at the hag. “What do you know of the prophecy?”

“Very little,” the general replied. Stroking his chin, there seems something awkward about leaping from the general to the king, whose viewpoint is important? whats the pov here? its a little undefined the king narrowed his eyes at the general. “Hasn’t the prophecy already been fulfilled by you my lord?” ok, at first I thought the king was speaking, again changing too suddenly from king to general

Getting up from his throne, the king walked down two steps and stood near the hag. He kicked her in the side. She stood up and bowed to the king before starting to recite her vision. “Cerdwin vaguely welsh-sounding name means what now? has granted me a vision, one which I have told His Majesty.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes before she continued. “It is coming to pass, that which has been long foretold. Cerdwin has warned me that if His Majesty is not careful, he too will be nothing more than a mere memory of the past. If action is not taken soon, then Echin will die at the hands of a peasant ruler and his family.” ehhh, this prophecy is also vague, "nothing more than a mere memory of the past" reads a bit awkward

“Do you know what this means?” the king asked, turning around to face his general.

The general shook his head, even though he had an idea of what the king would say next. It was better to play it safe when he was in one of his moods, than try and speak.

“It means the Forsaken must have found this peasant before they were killed. We need to take care of this problem before it explodes into something we may not be able to fix.”

“Understood, My Lord.”

“Are you still in contact with Bouldin?” the king asked, pacing back and forth.

“No, but I am sure my men can find him.”

The king pursed his lips together, contemplating what he was told. “I want you to find him and tell him the king has need of his services. Once he agrees or you force him, this is what we will do…”

Overall I just worry that this reads a bit generic. King on this throne, hag with prophecy, working class-type hero. I don't get a good idea of setting, time period, technology, etc etc. I think you could add some more details, give us a sense of place, and of the characters. What does the King look like? The prince? The general? Does the hag smell like b.o.? What type of stone are the pillars made of? These are things we need to know!

[notw]

Emily,

Thanks! I am hoping this next version will explain things better.

[wordranger]

I have to disagree a little with what a few others have said. This is your Prologue... not the start of your novel. I would not put too much description into it. The prologue is all about PACING. I, for one, loved this. This is the genre I like to read, and it drew me right in. Yes, it sounds a little same old-same-old in the story line. If anything, you may want to add a little something to point out what is different about your story.

However... if you are uncomfortable with this... follow your gut. What does your first chapter sound like? Is it really exciting? Does something happen on the first page that is going to knock my socks off and make me drop your novel and hurt my foot? If so, then skip the prologue completely and let's get to it!

Only you know your story, so you need to make that decision. I recently cut the first chapter out of my novel completely and went right for the first action scene, and I love it this way... you need to decide, from your heart, what is the best direction for you.

Hope this helps!

[LaylaF]

I like what you wrote.

My only suggestion would be to rough up the language used by the hag. Make it less clear, less precise and more mysterious. I felt that both her language and her message were too concise and well spoken for the character. It threw me off as I read it. I'd make it more fun and dramatic...maybe give her some incomplete sentences, incomplete thoughts, a slightly more mysterious message or vision, told with interruptions by deep breathes and moans...

Otherwise, I had no trouble getting into the scene, whether you used it as a prologue or as a separate beginning of your first chapter with spaces before the rest of Chapter One begins...hard to know without reading what comes next.

All in all...good job.

[notw]

LaylaF & Wordranger,

Thanks for the input it has been really helpful. :)

[erin_bowman]

I agree with a lot of the comments here.

First thing, I definitely think you need to identify the "he" that the prologue opens with as the general earlier on. When I finally got to "My Lord, you called?," it took me a second to realize that the general was in fact the same man that was just pacing down the hallway.

I also think, oddly enough, that this prologue is detailed while still being vague. I think this is because it is written with details in regards to where someone is standing/positioned and how they are speaking (all crucial), but the balance of adding in more sensory details are missing. Someone commented about wanting to what the chars looked like, the smells and materials of the world. I agree, so long as you can do it without bogging down the prologue and turning it into a descriptive essay ;)

I also feel like a lot of the opening isn't needed. I feel the excitement starts with the prophecy. Is there a reason we need to follow the general and his footsteps down the hall, hear his thoughts about being awoken in the middle of the night (These things seem like a book opener to me, not a prologue). What if we started where the action picks up...

An old hag with a hunched back was lying on the floor. Getting up from his throne, the king walked down two steps kicked her in the side. This may need to be reworked a little, but I like the idea of starting with this visual. I immediately want to know a) who the hag is and b) why the king is being so blunt

"What do you know of the prophecy?" he asked her. Again, I am assuming it's OK to have the king question the hag directly, rather than going through the general first, for the sake of getting to the prophecy itself, quicker. If this is totally wrong, just ignore me...

She stood up and bowed to the king before starting to recite her vision. “Cerdwin has granted me a vision, one which I have told His Majesty.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes before she continued. “It is coming to pass, that which has been long foretold. Cerdwin has warned me that if His Majesty is not careful, he too will be nothing more than a mere memory of the past. If action is not taken soon, then Echin will die at the hands of a peasant ruler and his family.”

“Do you know what this means?” the king asked, turning around to face his general. Maybe something here about how the general looks tired, a comment about the meeting being summoned late at night.

The general shook his head, even though he had an idea of what the king would say next. It was better to play it safe when he was in one of his moods, than try and speak.

“It means the Forsaken must have found this peasant before they were killed. We need to take care of this problem before it explodes into something we may not be able to fix.”

“Understood, My Lord.” This is the general speaking, no? You might want to write it out just so the reader is certain.

“Are you still in contact with Bouldin?” the king asked, pacing back and forth.

“No, but I am sure my men can find him.”

The king pursed his lips together, contemplating this. “I want you to find him and tell him the king has need of his services. Once he agrees or you force him, this is what we will do…”

Ultimately, I think the hook at the end needs to be stronger. I know you mean to "fade out" on the kings plan, but from the readers standpoint, I wish there was more urgency here. I want the king to say something that really grabs me, makes me NEED to know what will happen next. Ex: "I want you to find him and tell him I need his services. Once he agrees, we begin our plan. If he doesn't agree, force him." Again, not perfect, but I just really want to be left hanging here at the end...

Hope that helps!