Guidelines for Posting Excerpts

Post excerpts from your works in progress and give feedback to your fellow writers.
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Nathan Bransford
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Guidelines for Posting Excerpts

Post by Nathan Bransford » April 24th, 2010, 3:34 pm

Hello! Thank you for considering posting an excerpt for critique.

There are not any formal rules about posting excerpts from your work. However, please consider the following:

If you want to post something for feedback, your odds of getting good feedback from the experts in the forums will be much greater if you have offered good feedback and have been a good participating forum citizen before you post your query.

In other words: Don't be a drive-by shooter, posting your work, getting feedback, and fleeing the scene. The golden rule applies: give feedback unto others as you would have them give feedback unto you.

Also, if you revise your excerpt, please continue to post it in the original thread you started rather than starting an entirely new thread.

That is all.

PHrbacek
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Joined: July 19th, 2010, 5:57 pm
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Re: Guidelines for Posting Excerpts

Post by PHrbacek » July 19th, 2010, 6:03 pm

Miney Moe is Mighty Slow
By Paula Hrbacek
Middle Grade (4th or 5th grade) fiction
Subject; decision making techniques
Word Count 248


Savannah Williams walked into the school cafeteria and dropped her backpack down on a table.
Thunk!
“Here we go again,” she thought.
Savannah looked out the windows that were smeared with fingerprints and yesterday’s lunch. Through the misty glass, she could see the other kids lining up for car line. Some of them got on a bus. Some of them went home with a friend. Not Savannah. School was over, but she wasn’t out just yet.
Savannah went to the after school program. She did her homework and played with her friends while she waited for her mother to get off of work.
She did this every day after school. There were about twenty kids in the program. Some of them were small, and some of them were older, but they all played together, just like a family. Well, sort of like a family, but without the TV.
Every day, the children followed the same routine. First, they did their homework. Then they had snack. Then they went outside to play if it wasn’t raining. Then they came back inside and played board games and cards.
“Work always comes before play,” Savannah repeated her mother’s words. She liked having a routine to follow. It took some of the guesswork out of it all.
Savannah pulled a chair out from under the table and sat down. She had three homework assignments to do today. She looked inside her backpack and sighed.
“Which one will I do first?” she wondered.

Marlene Nash-McKay
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Re: Guidelines for Posting Excerpts

Post by Marlene Nash-McKay » February 18th, 2011, 12:57 am

Title: Black Rain
Genre: Fantasy
Word count: 253

Chapter 6


David Hamilton suffered from a self-induced social disease he fondly thought of as perpetual boredom. At twenty four years old he had seen it all, and pretty much done it all, and had become mind-numbingly bored: with it all. It was for this reason alone that he was currently finding himself in Cordova, Alaska. He had cut his summer holiday short and left the Montenegro villa, that set him back €2000 a day, in the incapable hands of his current and very much temporary fling. He sincerely hoped that she and the rest of the crowd that had been freeloading off him for the past two months didn’t completely trash the place, since that was exactly the sort of ammunition his father needed to cut his allowance (again). Besides, he was considering buying the double storey because reasons that had nothing to do with its spectacular setting. Stringent in their observation of those little things that governed old school money, mommy and daddy summer vacationed in Monte Carlo and that, thankfully, put the Adriatic smack bang in between them.

His stomach cramped painfully as the hunger finally managed to fight its way through the dying chemical spasms in in his system. David dialled reception and ordered a toasted sandwich with a side salad, no onions and extra feta. The hotel did not have an actual room service, but to his mind that was a minor detail and of no consequence. Money, he knew, dictated that when you ask for something, you get it.

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tessaloo
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Re: Guidelines for Posting Excerpts

Post by tessaloo » July 9th, 2011, 2:21 pm

Hi Marienne,

Thanks for posting. I'm new here and appreciate reading your work.
I have a question. I usually think of "Fantasy" as being about a world that does not actually exist and a society that is outside of what already exists in our world. Your story seems to be rooted in our world and the society seems to be our own since your protagonist pays for his Montenegro Villa in Euros. If that is the case, perhaps this wonderful story should be categorized differently? There is nothing to tell me if this is going to be a romance, an adventure, or a thriller, etc.

I like the sardonic tone of your character. Your opening line is killer. It made me want to read more to discover why he is perpetually bored. Your description of his lifestyle could use a little honing. May I make a suggestion or two?

You use a lot of parenthetical phrases. This makes the narrative "twisty" with extra words or phrases that seem a little convoluted. For instance, your final sentence, "Stringent in their observation of those little things that governed old school money, mommy and daddy summer vacationed in Monte Carlo and that, thankfully, put the Adriatic smack bang in between them." sounds very old world and "upper crusty" but I had to read it a couple of times to get the meaning. Perhaps you could re-phrase it: " For, stringent in their observation of those little things that governed old school money, Mommy and Daddy only summer-vacationed in Monte Carlo which, thankfully, put the Adriatic Sea smack-bang between them and him.
In this way, we see that the Adriatic was not in between Mom and Dad but between them and the protagonist.

One other suggestion: would it be possible to lose the reference to the 2,000 euro's? It seems to break up the sentence and flow of your thought here. Perhaps just include an adjective such as luxury or expensive to denote its class and worth? I would also use parentheses to describe the temporary fling's friends.

He had cut his summer holiday short and left the Montenegro villa, that set him back €2000 a day, in the incapable hands of his current and very much temporary fling. He sincerely hoped that she and the rest of the crowd that had been freeloading off him for the past two months didn’t completely trash the place...

Could become: " He had cut his summer holiday short and left his luxurious Montenegro villa in the very incapable hands of his current, and definitely temporary, fling. He sincerely hoped that she (and the rest of the crowd freeloading off him for the past two months) didn't completely trash the place.....

I'm very interested to see what happens with this character! You obviously have a terrific story or adventure in mind for him....just don't wait too long to hook our interest, or folks might not want to read past the first page. What a great start! Looking forward to reading your book some day!
Many blessings!
Writing upwards,
Tess

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