One-page synopsis---Meant To Be---comm fic

[cheekychook]

As those of you who have read my recent angst-ridden posts in All Things Writing know, I'm having a nervous breakdown---I mean I'm writing a one-page synopsis. (Sorry, the symptoms are so similar I got confused for a moment.) After many long, whiny (on my part) IM chats with my endlessly patient critique partner, half a Costco-sized jar of chocolate covered raisins, and a lot of talking to myself (only occasionally out loud) I finally cobbled together the following one-page document. Yes, I said ONE PAGE. It fits on a single page. I can't believe I crammed all this onto a single page. Problem? I don't know if I crammed the RIGHT things onto this single page. I'm stuck somewhere in the midst of query-mode, editing-mode, OMG-was-that-sound-an-incoming-query-response-mode, and WHY-AM-I-DOING-THIS-mode. I can no longer rationally determine what's a crisis, what's a complicating incident, what's a denouement....I basically just want a cookie, some vodka and maybe a lobotomy. But I'll settle for some sane commentary, so I'm going to shut up, paste and post. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

When NYU Professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife, Justine, insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa, he hopes a house will be the first step toward starting a family. Instead, he finds himself alone most nights. While volunteering on a charity project, Daniel meets his new neighbor, Marienne Valeti, a graphic designer who struggles with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband Frank’s indifference.

A penchant for good books, bad movies, and homemade brownies, sparks a powerful bond between Daniel and Marienne.
 As camaraderie blossoms, they discover their paths have crossed many times. They lived in the same town briefly as children, attended the same university, and Marienne once captioned a photo of Daniel that appeared in The Village Voice. They wonder if they’d have become friends, or more, had they met earlier.

Daniel’s marriage to Justine is sexually mind-blowing, but emotionally empty. Marienne married Frank thinking he loved her, but has realized that Frank only wants things he can’t have, and since he has her, his interests lie elsewhere. Daniel and Marienne’s friendship fills the voids in their lives. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their minds.

When Marienne becomes pregnant, she's thrilled, but worries she'll be a horrible mother, like her own. Daniel finds himself even more drawn to her and realizes how desperately he wants children. Justine is repulsed by all aspects of pregnancy and makes it clear that motherhood isn’t for her. Frank can’t handle the changes in Marienne’s body and withdraws further. Frank and Justine become more focused on their jobs. When Marienne has a pregnancy crisis it's Daniel, not Frank who helps her through it. Once Ella is born, both marriages crumble.

When a tragic accident leaves Marienne a widow and causes Justine to admit her marriage to Daniel is over, Daniel and Marienne find solace in their friendship. While sorting through Frank’s belongings Marienne discovers that he was having an affair. Daniel comforts her through her anger and grief, longing to confesses his feelings, but afraid to risk their friendship. They’re tortured by the attraction they’ve spent years trying to deny, but neither of them knows if the feelings are mutual. When Marienne asks Daniel when he plans to start dating again, he realizes that she has no idea that he’s in love with her.

It only takes a single kiss for the years of sexual tension to be unleashed. Overcome by relief, Daniel professes his love for Marienne, but she’s unable to echo the words, even though they’re pounding in her brain. Every person she’s ever loved has hurt her, and she’s terrified to admit her feelings. When she realizes her silence is hurting him she gathers her courage and admits she loves him too.

The relationship progresses blissfully until Daniel has to take a business trip. Overcome by familiar pangs of anxiety and self-doubt Marienne tells Daniel that he should feel free to pursue other women. Frustrated by the fact that she doesn’t understand how much she means to him, Daniel resolves to do whatever it takes to make her see that he isn’t like every other man and that he wants to be with her forever. He makes her a scrapbook of photos taken of them over the years, each captioned with a loving sentiment. The last photo, of Daniel’s hand holding an engagement ring, remains uncaptioned. He hands her a pen and asks her to marry him. Marienne is all too happy to caption it, “Yes”.

[Holly]

Hi, cheekychook. Your version is 593 words. You still need room for a title and your contact info, which will make it run over a page. The version below is about 473 words. It leaves room for a title and contact info and should keep everything on one page if you use Times New Roman 12 pt font.

You can shorten the synopsis if you cut adjectives, look for words and phrases that repeat info, and cut non-critical info -- for example, we don't need to know in a short synopsis how he meets his neighbor, just that he meets her, plus we know she is a new neighbor, so you can cut "new." You can go all through the synopsis and cut non-critical things like that to get the word count down.

Things to watch:
Starting too many sentences with clauses, especially ING verb clauses (...like this sentence).
Look down the page and be sure you don't start the paragraphs the same way (I changed a When to a Then).
The CHICAGO MANUAL OF STYLE says to italicize newspaper and magazine publications, use a lowercase The, and leave The off the title.
I also added some commas. Quotation marks go outside the punctuation, not inside it (oops, editing this because I said the reverse).

Good luck to you!

When NYU Professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife, Justine, insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa, he hopes the house will be the first step toward starting a family. Instead, he finds himself alone most nights.

Daniel meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti, a graphic designer who struggles with isolation created by her husband Frank’s indifference. A penchant for books, movies, and brownies sparks a powerful bond between Daniel and Marienne. They discover they lived in the same town as children, attended the same university, and Marienne once captioned a photo of Daniel in the Village Voice.

Daniel’s marriage to Justine is sexually mind-blowing, but emotionally empty. Marienne married Frank thinking he loved her, but realizes that Frank only wants things he can’t have, and since he has her, his interests lie elsewhere. Daniel and Marienne’s friendship fills the voids in their lives. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure.

When Marienne becomes pregnant, she's thrilled, but worries she'll be a horrible mother, like her own. Daniel finds himself drawn even more to her and realizes how desperately he wants children, especially when Justine and makes it clear that motherhood isn’t for her. Frank can’t handle the changes in Marienne’s body. When Marienne has a pregnancy crisis, it's Daniel, not Frank, who helps her through it. Once Ella is born, both marriages crumble.

Then a tragic accident leaves Marienne a widow. Justine admits her marriage to Daniel is over, and Daniel and Marienne find solace in their friendship. While Marienne sorts through Frank’s belongings, she discovers that he was having an affair. Daniel comforts her, longing to confess his feelings, but he’s afraid to risk their friendship. They’re tortured by the attraction they’ve spent years trying to deny, but neither of them knows if the feelings are mutual. When Marienne asks Daniel when he plans to start dating again, he realizes that she has no idea that he’s in love with her.

It only takes a single kiss for the years of sexual tension to be unleashed. Daniel professes his love for Marienne, but she’s unable to echo the words. Every person she’s ever loved has hurt her. When she realizes her silence is hurting him, she admits she loves him, too.

The relationship progresses blissfully until Daniel has to take a business trip. Overcome by self-doubt, Marienne tells Daniel he should feel free to pursue other women. Daniel resolves to do whatever it takes to make her see that he wants to be with her forever. He makes her a scrapbook of photos of the two of them over the years, each captioned with a loving sentiment. The last photo, Daniel’s hand holding an engagement ring, remains uncaptioned. He hands her a pen and asks her to marry him. Marienne is all too happy to caption it “Yes.”

[Down the well]

Cheekychook,

Send Holly some of those famous brownies, because she just did an amazing job of trimming this down to a succinct, no-nonsense, one page synopsis without losing any of your story or voice. Good job.

And for goodness sake, Cheekychook, breathe!

(You're the sane one, remember?)

[cheekychook]

Holly,

Thanks so much for paring that down---cyber brownies on their way!

Down the well.

If I'm the sane one, we're both in trouble.

Question for anyone---

I know in an attachment or printed version you put your title/contact info etc at the top of the page, but you don't if you're just pasting it into the text of an email, right? OR do you put it there anyway---do agents ever cut and paste to print it out? I would think the format would be so weird they'd never do that. (Incidentally that's how I lost my italics on Village Voice---it disappeared in the cut and paste to here and I forgot to put it back.) Also, no indents for pasted in version, but indented paras for "real" copies (including attachments)?

Thanks again for the input!

[Holly]

Hi, Cheeky, glad to give you some ideas. I figure you can fine-tune it some more.

I hope to query my novel by the end of the year, will probably put my synopsis and query letter on here, and will be having my own nervous breakdown.

Yes, about the title and contact info, that sounds right. You wouldn't need them in an email -- so you could leave in several lines.

And I believe yes, indented paragraphs and double-spacing for hard copies. No indents, single-spacing, and a white space between each paragraph for email.

Good luck!

[Leila]

Cheekychook,

Send Holly some of those famous brownies, because she just did an amazing job of trimming this down to a succinct, no-nonsense, one page synopsis without losing any of your story or voice. Good job.

And for goodness sake, Cheekychook, breathe!

(You're the sane one, remember?)

Agreed! Holly, that's a great revision/trim.

All the best to you cheekychook!

[Quill]

I gave it a shot here, too, just to see if there might be other ways to arrange the material. Came out at 498 words.

_______________________________________

When NYU Professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife, Justine, insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa, he hopes a house will be the first step toward starting a family. Instead, he finds himself alone most nights. Daniel’s marriage to Justine is sexually mind-blowing but emotionally empty.

Daniel meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti, a graphic designer struggling with her own growing sense of isolation, founded on her husband Frank’s indifference. Marienne married Frank thinking he loved her, but has realized that Frank only wants things he can’t have, and since he has her, his interests lie elsewhere.

A penchant for books, movies, and homemade brownies sparks a powerful bond between them.
 They discover their paths have crossed before. They lived in the same town briefly as children, attended the same university, and Marienne once captioned a photo of Daniel that appeared in The Village Voice. Passion simmers. They resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their minds.

Marienne becomes pregnant. She's thrilled, but worries she'll be a horrible mother, like her own. Daniel finds himself drawn to her even more, and realizes how desperately he wants children. But Justine is repulsed seeing Marienne and becomes clear that motherhood isn’t for her. Nor can Frank handle the changes in Marienne’s body, and he withdraws further. A pregnancy crisis brings Marienne not to her husband, but to Daniel, and he helps her pull through.

Both marriages crumble after the baby is born. A tragic accident leaves Marienne a widowed mother. A short while later Justine admits her marriage to Daniel is failed. Sorting through Frank’s belongings Marienne learns he was having an affair. Daniel comforts her, longing to confesses his feelings, but afraid to risk their friendship. They fight the attraction they’ve spent years working to deny. Neither of them knows the feelings are mutual. Not until Marienne asks Daniel when he plans to start dating does he realize she has no idea he’s in love with her.

One kiss is all it takes to unleash years of sexual tension. Daniel professes his love for Marienne, but she’s unable to say back the words, though they’re resounding in her brain. Everyone she’s ever loved has hurt her, so she’s terrified to reveal her feelings. She sees the hurt her silences is causing, gathers her courage, and tells him.

The relationship is bliss until Daniel has to take a business trip, triggering Marienne into familiar pangs of anxiety and self-doubt. She tells Daniel to feel free to pursue other women. Frustrated by her apparent lack of understanding of how much she means to him, he makes her a scrapbook of photos of them taken over the years, each captioned with a loving sentiment. In the last photo, Daniel’s hand is holding an engagement ring. He asks her to marry him. Marienne is all too happy to caption it, “Yes”.

[Quill]

A further smoothed out version, just for the fun of it. A few extra, small ideas. One thing I noticed was how important the paragraph breaks are in this synopsis. Shifting sentences and breaks changes the emphases, clarity, and flow quite a bit. Hope you're having fun with it, too. This one comes in at 480 words.

_______________________________________

When NYU Professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife, Justine, insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa, he hopes a house will be the first step toward starting a family. Instead, he finds himself alone most nights. Daniel’s marriage to Justine is sexually mind-blowing but emotionally empty.

Daniel's neighbor, Marienne Valeti, is a graphic designer struggling with her own growing isolation. She married Frank believing he loved her, but is realizing that Frank only wants things he can’t have, and since he has her, his interests lie elsewhere.

Their penchant for books, movies, and homemade brownies sparks a powerful bond between Daniel and Marienne.
 They discover their paths have crossed before. They lived in the same town briefly as children, attended the same university, and Marienne once captioned a photo of Daniel that appeared in The Village Voice. Passion simmers. They resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their minds.

Marienne becomes pregnant. She's thrilled, but worries she'll be a horrible mother, like her own. Daniel finds himself drawn to her even more. He realizes how desperately he wants children, but Justine is repulsed seeing Marienne and becomes certain that motherhood isn’t for her. Nor can Frank handle the changes in Marienne’s body, and he further withdraws.

A pregnancy crisis brings Marienne not to her husband, but to Daniel, and he helps her pull through. Both marriages crumble after the baby is born. A tragic accident leaves Marienne a widowed mother. Justine finally admits to Daniel their marriage has failed. Sorting through Frank’s belongings Marienne learns he was having an affair. Daniel comforts her, longs to confesses his feelings for her, but is afraid to risk their friendship. Both fight the attraction they’ve spent years working to deny. Neither knows the feelings are mutual. Not until Marienne asks Daniel when he plans to start dating again does he realize she doesn't know he’s in love with her.

One kiss unleashes years of sexual tension. Daniel professes his love for Marienne. She’s unable to say back the words, though they’re resounding in her brain. She fears to reveal her feelings because everyone she’s ever loved has hurt her. However, seeing the hurt her silence causes, she gathers her courage and tells him.

The relationship is blissful until Daniel has to take a business trip, triggering Marienne into familiar pangs of anxiety. Plagued with self-doubt, she tells Daniel to feel free to pursue other women. Frustrated and desperate to make her see how much she means to him, he constructs her a scrapbook of photos taken of them over the years, each captioned with a loving sentiment. In the last photo, Daniel’s hand is holding an engagement ring. He asks her to marry him. Marienne is all too happy to caption it, “Yes”.

[polymath]

"When NYU Professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife, Justine, insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa, he hopes a house will be the first step toward starting a family."
"When Marienne becomes pregnant, she's thrilled, but worries she'll be a horrible mother, like her own."
"When a tragic accident leaves Marienne a widow and causes Justine to admit her marriage to Daniel is over, Daniel and Marienne find solace in their friendship."

"When" repetition.

Also, though adverb-contraction-pronoun usage, "when" is used in prepositional position, where it leads off noun phrases. The sentences would be stronger and more immediate from close narrative distance without it altogether, and in the second two instances leaving it out shows the sentences are run-on constructions.

"NYU Professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife, Justine, insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa. He hopes a house will be the first step toward starting a family."
"Marienne becomes pregnant. She's thrilled, but worries she'll be a horrible mother, like her own."
"A tragic accident leaves Marienne a widow and causes Justine to admit her marriage to Daniel is over. Daniel and Marienne find solace in their friendship."

Both "NYU Professor" and "career-obsessed" are details that clutter the first sentence up with adjective strings which don't have much dramatic impact. And they are Chekhov's guns unfired by the end of the synopsis. They're expository details that probably through more effective showing characterize Daniel and Justine in the novel, though. But they're hanging details that offer little contribution to the synopsis.

"Daniel Gardner’s wife Justine insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa. He hopes house living will be a first step toward starting a family. Most nights he finds himself alone though.

"He meets next-door neighbor Marienne Valeti at a [charity event*]. She struggles with isolation from her husband Frank’s indifferent affection."

* Naming the volunteer charity activity would be more specific and characterize both Gardner and Valeti.
Excellent bridging complication, Gardner's purpose, the main dramatic complication, and building complication, all there foregrounded for impact and clarity.

[cheekychook]

Both "NYU Professor" and "career-obsessed" are details that clutter the first sentence up with adjective strings which don't have much dramatic impact. And they are Chekhov's guns unfired by the end of the synopsis. They're expository details that probably through more effective showing characterize Daniel and Justine in the novel, though. But they're hanging details that offer little contribution to the synopsis.

"Daniel Gardner’s wife Justine insists they move to New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa. He hopes house living will be a first step toward starting a family. Most nights he finds himself alone though.

"He meets next-door neighbor Marienne Valeti at a [charity event*]. She struggles with isolation from her husband Frank’s indifferent affection."

* Naming the volunteer charity activity would be more specific and characterize both Gardner and Valeti.
Excellent bridging complication, Gardner's purpose, the main dramatic complication, and building complication, all there foregrounded for impact and clarity.

Polymath - Thanks for the comments, they're much appreciated.

I completely agree with the whole "when" issue. That's a trap I fall into only when writing summaries. Easy to remedy.

Not sure I agree with "NYU Professor" and "career obsessed" being extraneous. The fact that Daniel is an NYU Professor is not only an indicator of his personality, it also implies that the move to NJ was likely from NYC (which it was) which illustrates that the move was an inconvenience for him (moving further from work and necessitating a commute into Manhattan) and a benefit to his wife. Her career obsession is not only a huge facet of her personality, it goes a long way toward explaining why she has less than no interest in motherhood and is a contributing factor in the downfall of their marriage (as is the fact that he's a professor, because Justine doesn't respect his choice to teach and would prefer if he had more glamorous career goals).

Would this work (for specifying the charity in a manner that adds characterization)? "He meets next-door neighbor Marienne Valeti while volunteering for a local theater's charity production."

[cheekychook]

A further smoothed out version, just for the fun of it. A few extra, small ideas. One thing I noticed was how important the paragraph breaks are in this synopsis. Shifting sentences and breaks changes the emphases, clarity, and flow quite a bit. Hope you're having fun with it, too. This one comes in at 480 words.

Can't say I think of the words "fun" and "synopsis" in the same sentence, but I'm glad you're having a good time. Thanks again for the suggestions.

[polymath]

Polymath - Thanks for the comments, they're much appreciated.

I completely agree with the whole "when" issue. That's a trap I fall into only when writing summaries. Easy to remedy.

Not sure I agree with "NYU Professor" and "career obsessed" being extraneous. The fact that Daniel is an NYU Professor is not only an indicator of his personality, it also implies that the move to NJ was likely from NYC (which it was) which illustrates that the move was an inconvenience for him (moving further from work and necessitating a commute into Manhattan) and a benefit to his wife. Her career obsession is not only a huge facet of her personality, it goes a long way toward explaining why she has less than no interest in motherhood and is a contributing factor in the downfall of their marriage (as is the fact that he's a professor, because Justine doesn't respect his choice to teach and would prefer if he had more glamorous career goals).

Would this work (for specifying the charity in a manner that adds characterization)? "He meets next-door neighbor Marienne Valeti while volunteering for a local theater's charity production."

Lessening the complexity of the introductory sentence and paragraph is my point about "NYU Professor" and "career-obsessed." Less complexity makes more impact. After opening sentences, then a synopsis can be more complex, once the hook is set. However, there in the power to characterize lies those phrases' purpose. Daniel's move and keeping his job means a long commute, an empathy-worthy noble self-sacrificing gesture for his wife's career sake, contrasted by his self-serving goal of wanting a traditional family life. The main dramatic complication he strives to address. Purpose: traditional family life. Complication: Wife's desire for anything but a traditional family life. That to me is a powerfully unified internal and external conflict for Daniel driven by Antagonism's purpose and complication.

I invented context because what he and his wife meant to each other is partially implied. I was seeing Daniel resigned from his job, on sabbatical, self-demoted to a telecommuting adjunct professor, or something. A long commute did occur to me. I've been there. Takes up most of the workday spare time not spent working or sleeping. What I'm suggesting is pull the trigger, fire Chekhov's gun. Make his professor job commute and wife's career obsession stand out as complications. Or leave them out of the synopsis; but leave them in in the narrative where there's ample room for artful expository detail characterization.

Yes, Daniel volunteering for a theater's charity production is more specific and adds to his characterization. Like, though, is it in Trenton, Princeton, or a specific New Jersey suburb of New York? Which if the community they move to is specified connects up with how far a commute Daniel makes to work. I don't see a successful spa nor a community theater production taking place in rural New Jersey communities where traditional family life is more appealing.

Building complication, the theater work adds a time-consuming activity to fill his limited empty time. Again, pull the trigger. I suggest making the theater production meeting clearly a large complication so Daniel finds himself in a related self-sacrificing, self-serving clash again as he pursues his main complication, wanting a traditional family life, which is opposed by his wife's career obsession and her desire for him to lead a more glamorous life, which, in turn, is opposed by his wanting a traditional family life. Strong shades of Gustav Flaubert's Madam Bovary there.

Maybe name the play production and his role in it? Something invented related to Daniel's main complication, a False Document, a creative writing device that avoids using something from the real world with distracting undertones. Then what subject does he teach that might connect to the play and both inevitably lead to him meeting Marienne?

I know you're limited on word count, so making every word count is vital.

[cheekychook]

Make his professor job commute and wife's career obsession stand out as complications. Or leave them out of the synopsis; but leave them in in the narrative where there's ample room for artful expository detail characterization.

Yes, Daniel volunteering for a theater's charity production is more specific and adds to his characterization. Like, though, is it in Trenton, Princeton, or a specific New Jersey suburb of New York? Which if the community they move to is specified connects up with how far a commute Daniel makes to work. I don't see a successful spa nor a community theater production taking place in rural New Jersey communities where traditional family life is more appealing.

Building complication, the theater work adds a time-consuming activity to fill his limited empty time. Then what subject does he teach...

Okay, I'm going to preface with the fact that I have a miserable sinus infection and can barely think straight---but do you mean something like this? Or not so much?

Daniel Gardner’s wife Justine insists they move to Highland Park, New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa. Daniel relents, even though the move tacks a two hour commute onto his already over-scheduled days as an English professor at NYU. He hopes a house will be the first step toward starting a family. Instead he finds himself alone most nights while Justine becomes even more obsessed with her career. Their marriage is sexually mind-blowing but emotionally empty.

A lightened summer course load prompts Daniel to volunteer for a local theater’s charity production. He meets his new next-door neighbor, Marienne Valeti, a graphic designer struggling with her own growing isolation. She married Frank believing he loved her, but is realizing that Frank only wants what he can’t have, and since he has her, his interests lie elsewhere.

[polymath]

Okay, I'm going to preface with the fact that I have a miserable sinus infection and can barely think straight---but do you mean something like this? Or not so much?

Daniel Gardner’s wife Justine insists they move to Highland Park, New Jersey so she can oversee her new spa. Daniel relents, even though the move tacks a two hour commute onto his already over-scheduled days as an English professor at NYU. He hopes a house will be the first step toward starting a family. Instead he finds himself alone most nights while Justine becomes even more obsessed with her career. Their marriage is sexually mind-blowing but emotionally empty.

A lightened summer course load prompts Daniel to volunteer for a local theater’s charity production. He meets his new next-door neighbor, Marienne Valeti, a graphic designer struggling with her own growing isolation. She married Frank believing he loved her, but is realizing that Frank only wants what he can’t have, and since he has her, his interests lie elsewhere.

Ouch. I had mind blanking sinus infections in the spring and fall every year until I moved to a place the plants I'm allergic to don't grow, which is a very small region.

Yes, I believe the synopsis' flow is much improved and clearer to read. With a clearer head and fermentation time, your core creative vision will flourish and tighten up to meet space limitations and synopsis purposes. It's Meant to Be.