New Historical Novel

[longknife]

Would deeply appreciate all feedback/comments

SYNOPSIS
THE CARPENTER AND THE SAILOR
El Carpintero y el Marinero
(A tale of the 18th Century New World)

Giant scavengers circle death in the sky above the western foothills of the Sierra Occidental Mountains of Sinaloa, Mexico. From a distance, the condors with their nine-foot wingspans are beautiful. But, when Franciscan friars and their soldier escort reach the site they circle, bloody bald heads dig into human corpses. The flock of condors, chasing off foxes, ravens, crows and other carrion eaters, feast upon the dead of a Cahita Indian village decimated by Smallpox. There are only three survivors, a young boy, a girl and her baby brother.

Brother José and Pedro are on the fifteenth day of their journey to the pueblo of Culiacán where they are to take over the church from Jesuits who are being forced to leave the New World. The six mounted soldiers of the friar’s escort are not eager to deal with the diseased bodies but do what the friars wish. Camp followers wait outside the village with the pack animals. One of them guards the children while corpses are gathered and stacked upon a funeral pyre. When the pyre is lit, the remaining crude structures of twigs and poles are torched.

Culiacán is not inhabited by many souls even though it has been there for more than a century and a half. This is partly due to frequent Indian raids and a lack of trade. Silver mines to the north are of more interest to the Spanish king and his courtiers. Many homesteads have been abandoned and fields lie fallow and unattended.

The children are taken under the tutelage of the friars. Jaimenacho, The Spanish name the boy is given, improves his Spanish and works in the clay pit making adobe bricks. When it is discovered he has a skill for carving beautiful objects from wood, his is taken to the mission’s carpenter shop to learn that trade.

A world away, in Devon, England, young Timothy Beadle is taken by his father to Plymouth where he is bonded to Captain Carlyle of His Majesty’s Brig Willoughby. Master Beadle receives a purse in exchange for his son’s service as the ship’s cabin boy. Life aboard ship is far different from working on his father’s farm, but Tim discovers he likes it very much, quickly learning the myriad of things needed to carry out his duties.

Tough Will, as she is affectionately known, sails from Plymouth into the Atlantic, her ultimate goal the northwestern shores of the American continent. Along the way, the captain and sailing master make landfall in tiny dots in the middle of nowhere, take her around Cape Horn and capture a Spanish merchant carrying a valuable cargo of bat guano. After a stop in the Galapagos, they capture a Spanish galleon carrying silver from mines in the northern shores of the Sea of Cortez, then sail on to the Pacific Northwest where they trade for valuable furs from the natives. They also gather in some beautiful pearls. On the return trip, Tough Will encounters a fierce cyclone and, when one of the crewmen cuts his safety line, Tim is washed overboard into the towering waves.

Jaime has become a valuable member of the mission community. When Father Junipero Serra, recently appointed president of the California missions, comes to Culiacán to gather supplies and select volunteers, Jaime is among those to go. He sails with the friars to La Paz where he helps turn that abandoned place into a starting off point for the expedition to follow. A cyclone causes damage to the village of Todos Santos and Jaime is selected to go there. On the way, he is taken by Pericú Indians to their village where he discovers a young girl named Yellow Butterfly has been covertly watching him. She offers him sanctuary from the Spaniards and is surprised when Jaime claims he is happy where he is. Butterfly takes Jaime near Todos Santos where he leaves her to set about the task of repairing the damage. But, he cannot forget her. He has a strange dream in which he walks along a beach and finds a white ocelot with blue eyes lying there.

When the next cyclone comes and passes, Jaime goes to help a fishing crew salvage their boat. Walking along the beach, he spies something washed up on the shore, amazed to find a boy with white skin covered by light tan spots, the white ocelot of his dream. The boy even has blue eyes. One of the fishermen picks up the boy and they carry him to the house of the local medicine woman, a curandera. This proves the start of a strong and lifelong bond. Jaime and the friars teach Tim Spanish while he helps the friars improve their English.

Tim is deeply interestedin the local fishing boats and becomes a member of the crew that discovered him. He shows them ways to improve their vessels and make better nets. Carla, a widow without children, takes a strong interest in Tim. He soon finds her wiles too strong to resist and they move in together. The only thing that keeps him from marrying her is that she is Catholic while he is Anglican. Jaime has many similar opportunities but declines as he cannot get Yellow Butterfly out of his mind. He somehow understands she is the one meant for him.

Word reaches Todos Santos that Father Serra is coming. He has visited all of the missions in Baja California and is preparing for the next stage of his task, founding a new mission in a Cochimi village called Velicatá and then moving on to found a chain of missions in Upper California.

Yellow Butterfly arrives in Todos Santos before Father Serra. During the brief period they have alone, she prods Jaime to ask what she knows he wants, for her to marry him. It turns out she already has written approval from her father and Jaime is surprised to learn her baptized name is Juanita Rosa Maria. Father Serra performs the ceremony with Butterfly’s parents and relatives present.

Father Serra has offered Tim sanctuary so civil authorities cannot take him into custody as being a pirate. He suggests Tim join the expedition that the youth eagerly accepts, as long as Jaime, Butterfly and Carla can also go. Along with supplies and volunteers, the diminutive, limping friar leads off for the two-day trip to La Paz. That is when Tim learns that Father Serra has long suffered a festering wound on his leg that he has refused treatment for. In his words, “If it is The Lord’s will, I will be able to carry on His mission.”

The San Marcos and San Carlos, two ships from San Blas arrive in La Paz with supplies. Don Gaspar de Portolà, captain of dragoons in the España Regiment and Governor of The Californias meets them there. He goes by ship to Loreto while Father Serra stays a few days before traveling overland with volunteers, supplies and livestock. The trip is difficult as they follow the narrow trail made by the Jesuits. The strength of purpose shown by Father Serra awes all who view him.

The expedition gathers in Loreto. Captain Fernando Javier Rivera y Moncada, who had served for seventeen years as the military commander of California, accepts a secondary position to Governor Portolà and leads the trail-breaking segment. He departs to prepare the way for the remainder of the overland part of the expedition. The San Carlos and San Marcos are to go by sea to carry equipment and supplies to the harbor known as San Miguel, the site of the first mission to be founded in Upper California.

The route crosses inhospitable land where every plant reaches out with barbs, hooks or thorns. Even with Captain Rivera’s trailblazing, the el Camino Real, or King’s Highway, is narrow and rocky. The sun bears down upon an arid land where plants and animals survive with great difficulty. The few isolated oases have been populated with natives brought into the fold of the friars and the missions they have constructed. They are warmly greeted in tiny villages such as Mulegé, San Ignacio, Santa Gertrudis and San Francisco Borja. They pass through strange forests of towering spiny plants and others covered with pointed leaves.

After a bit over a month of difficult travel, they reach the Cochimi Indian village of Velicatá where Captain Rivera has started the survey of the area for the founding of the only Franciscan Mission in Baja California, la Misión San Fernando Rey de España.
A stream provides dependable water and work quickly gets underway to turn the land into a self-sustaining settlement. Trees are felled. Materials are gathered to make adobe bricks to construct the walls of the church and compound. A presidio is established to house the soldiers who accompany and help the friars who will lead the mission industries. Father Serra’s goal is to provide the natives with a decent life and turn the mission over to them when they can efficiently operate it.

Errors are made that cause a wall to collapse, killing one friar and two of the native converts. Tim carelessly puts his foot into a boot without checking and a Black Widow spider stings him. Carla and the local curandera do what they can but he suffers severe pain before the venom wears off. Jaime and the others toil alongside Father Serra and the other friars as they erect the mission.

Captain Rivera departs soon after Father Serra’s arrival to blaze a trail the three hundred miles north through unknown country. The expedition is planned to meet the two supply ships. On the 14th of May, 1769, Father Serra falls ill from the festering sores in his leg. Plans are made to carry him in a litter but he calls for one of the volunteer muleteers to come to him. The man makes a poultice he uses to cure sores on his mules and applies it to Father Serra’s leg. The next morning, Father Serra rises from his cot and, with his assistant’s help, mounts his donkey to continue the trek north.

It is only when they reach the Pacific shore about a hundred miles short of their destination that the land becomes less forbidding. Trees grow in gulleys, grass grows on the hillsides and rivers fed by frequent mists and fog provide fresh water for the weary travelers and the few remaining livestock. The peaceful Tipai natives readily trade fish and other foods with them.

They near the river known as Ti Wan and a scout runs back to report a ship anchored at the mouth of the river. Tim listens to the description and knows it is not a Spanish ship. He, Carla, Jaime, Butterfly, a lieutenant of cuirassiers and two of his soldiers reach a point of land overlooking the mouth of the river. The ship is the Willoughby and Tim recognizes Captain Carlyle supervising the loading of fresh water.

Carlyle is nervous about the approaching group and orders marines from the ship to come ashore. He is astonished to recognize the young man with the sandy-colored beard approaching him to be Tim, whom he thought dead.

Tim introduces Captain Carlyle to Father Serra and Governor Portolà. After the amenities, Portolà has a small tent erected where he, Father Serra and Captain Carlyle share a bottle of Spanish wine the captain has brought from the ship. When the meeting breaks up, Carlyle asks to speak privately with Tim. Tim tells him that he has no secrets from his companions, especially the woman who carries his child and the other two he considers his brother and sister. Carlyle tells Tim his share of the previous voyage is safe in Plymouth and that he will gladly take Tim and his companions back to England. “This is my new family and my new land,” Tim replies, adding it is his duty to be with and assist Father Serra in his mission.

Carlyle watches Tim and his companions depart. When one of the crew asks him if the youth was young Tim, the captain replies, “No, Gordon. That is Mister Timothy Beadle, an adventurer of the highest class.”

[dios4vida]

I immediately noticed that your writing is strong and clear, which is great skill. My problem is that your synopsis jumps from topic to topic, person to person, and we don't really see connections. It's jarring and confusing to have so many unconnected people thrown at you. A few transitions and clarifications will go a long way to improving this synopsis.

I'll try to get a line-by-line edit up soon for you.

[steve]

This is the first thing I've glanced at on this here forum that got me.

I don't know if it's any good, but I like your characters and setting. Someone needs to write a good yarn about Serra.

I'd change "Giant scavengers" to vultures.

[longknife]

I immediately noticed that your writing is strong and clear, which is great skill. My problem is that your synopsis jumps from topic to topic, person to person, and we don't really see connections. It's jarring and confusing to have so many unconnected people thrown at you. A few transitions and clarifications will go a long way to improving this synopsis.

I'll try to get a line-by-line edit up soon for you.

Thanks - I'm trying to show two youths from different cultures following an amazingly devout man as he tries to carry out a difficult task.

[longknife]

Thanks for your post. While condors are New World vultures, they are so rare I tried to stay away from that classification. I did make it a point to name them later in the paragraph.

And Steve, I'm looking for someone to "beta read" this for me.

[steve]

And Steve, I'm looking for someone to "beta read" this for me.

As an alpha-male, I can't in good conscience beta read.

I have enough trouble finding time to read all the mash notes that ladies of the NB Forum PM to me.

[gilesth]

Your setting jumps out catches my eye. Your opening paragraph, though, lacks a character introduction. I, personally, would like to be introduced to at least one protagonist before I see the setting. It sounds like a great story, though!

[longknife]

Your setting jumps out catches my eye. Your opening paragraph, though, lacks a character introduction. I, personally, would like to be introduced to at least one protagonist before I see the setting. It sounds like a great story, though!

Thanks - this is where they find the indian boy survivor of an epidemic and I need to bring him in right away.

[ABFTomioka]

Hello!
First of all, I have to say I really like your story. This is the kind of thing I imagine catching my eye in a bookstore, and actually buying! So, if you're still interested in a beta reader, I would love to help out.

Since nobody else has done a line by line edit yet (and for some reason I'm on an editing kick lately) here are my suggestions:

Giant scavengers circle above the western foothills of the Sierra Occidental Mountains in Sinaloa, Mexico. From a distance, the condors with their nine-foot wingspans are beautiful, but when Franciscan friars and their soldier escort reach the site they discover bloody bald heads digging into human corpses. The flock of condors feast upon the dead of a Cahita Indian village decimated by smallpox. There are only three survivors, a young boy, a girl, and her baby brother.

Franciscan Brothers José and Pedro are on the fifteenth day of their journey to the pueblo of Culiacán, where they are to take over the church from Jesuits forced to leave the New World. The mounted soldiers of their escort are not eager to deal with diseased bodies, but they do what the friars wish while camp followers wait outside the village with the pack animals. One of them guards the children while corpses are stacked upon a funeral pyre. When the pyre is lit, the remaining crude structures of twigs and poles are torched. (erasing all traces of the Indian village?)

Culiacán is not inhabited by many souls though it has been there more than a century. This is partly due to frequent Indian raids and a lack of trade. Silver mines to the north are of more interest to the Spanish king and his courtiers. Many homesteads are abandoned and fields lie fallow and unattended. (Is this the town where the friars take over the church? The linkage is somewhat unclear, here)

The orphaned children are taken under the tutelage of the friars. The boy receives the Spanish name Jaimenacho. (He improves his Spanish and works in the clay pit making adobe bricks. - is this an important part of the story?) When his skill for woodcarving is discovered, he joins the mission’s carpenter shop to learn that trade.

A world away, in Devon, England, young Timothy Beadle is (dragged - or some other descriptive verb, maybe) to Plymouth where he is bonded to Captain Carlyle of His Majesty’s Brig Willoughby. Master Beadle receives a purse in exchange for his son’s (involuntary?) service as a cabin boy. Life aboard a ship is far different from his father’s farm, but Tim discovers (he likes it very much - this reads a little awkwardly....discovers an affinity for the work? or falls in love with the work?), quickly learning the myriad skills needed for his duties.

The ship affectionately known as Tough Will sails into the Atlantic, bound for the northwestern shores of the American continent. Along the way, the captain and sailing master (make landfall in tiny dots in the middle of nowhere - is it necessary to mention the tiny islands; does anything interesting happen there? In any case, I would reword this a little), take her around Cape Horn and capture a Spanish merchant vessel's valuable cargo of bat guano. After a stop in the Galapagos, they (capture - hmmm...same word as the previous sentance....is there another way to say "capture"?) a Spanish galleon carrying silver, then sail on to the Pacific Northwest where they trade for valuable furs from the natives. (They also gather in some beautiful pearls. Do the pearls come into play later? Are they important?) On the return trip, Tough Will encounters a fierce cyclone and, when a desperate crewman cuts his safety line, Tim is washed overboard into the towering waves.
Your description is of that last part is vivid! I like the details of where the ship stops and what cargo they have, but I wonder how that relates to the rest of the story. Also, how does Tim feel during this time? What does he learn, see, or do? Since he's a main character I'd like to known more about him in this paragraph. As an aside, I'm SO happy they visit the Pacific Northwest - my home! I hope they go to a potlatch!

(Meanwhile, back at the ranch....okay, clearly don't write that, but I wonder if there's a smoother way to transition between characters.) Jaime has become a valuable member of the mission community. (How did he become so important? Because of his skill as a carver, or some other reason?) When Father Junipero Serra, recently appointed president of the California missions, comes to Culiacán to gather supplies and select volunteers, Jaime is one of the chosen (for what? And where - to California?). He sails with the friars to La Paz where they transform the abandoned place into a starting base for the expedition to follow. When a cyclone damages the village of Todos Santos, Jaime goes to help rebuild (and to settle?). On the way, Pericú Indians take him to their village where he discovers a young girl named Yellow Butterfly who has been covertly watching him. She offers sanctuary from the Spaniards, but is surprised and dissapointed when Jaime claims to be happy where he is. Butterfly escorts Jaime to Todos Santos where he leaves her and begins repairing the damage.
*****
Oh my God, I just spent half an hour carefully going through your whole synopsis, only to have the ^%#$^# forum log me out and erase everything! Well, I can't do it again now, so instead of all that beautiful editing (wow, I am so bitter about that!) here are my final impressions:

Your story is exciting and brings me to all these places. I especially love your descriptions of travel, what they see and who they meet along the way. But I can't get a feeling for your characters. Who are they? What are their emotions and motivations, and how does that change throughout the story? I would like to see more development of relationships between Tim and Jaime, and especially how they link to Father Serra. He is supposed to be an inspiration to everybody, but that doesn't come through in your synopsis. I want to know these people and care about their journey, because it's a wonderful story.

I'm really sorry, I had all sorts of useful comments and edits, erased by the evil Internet. But as I said, I think this is a great story, and would love to beta read for you. Please contact me if you're interested! Good luck!

[longknife]

ABFTomioka - thanks for the response. See the PM I sent you.