Query Help? - SftOS [Revised]

[BlancheKing]

Please help comment and critique the revised version on the second post on 2nd page. Thank you all again for your help.

I started on my query letter a few months ago, and have finally edited it into the following. Please comment and critique, and be as harsh as possible. =)

"Dear [Insert Agent's Name here],

Of all the things Claudia thought she’d learn in college, exorcism wasn’t one of them. But when she befriends the deviously debonair Cyrus Blackwell, Claudia finds herself submerged in a world where spirits roam about masquerading as people, and vacations include travel between the realms of the living and the dead. Between passing classes, staying in style, and fixing her cousin’s bad-turning-worse relationship, Claudia has little time to be observant. But as she soon finds out, there’s a lot more to other people – dead or alive—than meets the eye. Not everything in the Spirit World revolves around bad puns and daisy-patterned sheets, and some of the more selfish spirits are just dying for her permanent companionship.

SINCERELY, FROM THE OTHER SIDE is a complete 90,000-word paranormal young adult novel that follows a young woman’s search for purpose and a better understanding of others. Though I have no previous published works, the stories within this book are thoroughly researched and based on real occurrences in today's college campus. As a current sophomore in [took out my university's name], I have been carefully observing the daily rituals, habits and anxieties my peers.

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,


---

Side note: As stated above, I have no previous published works, but at the current moment, I am helping my father write a medical research paper. Would it be to my benefit to state that in my closing sentence? Or is that fact completely irrelevant?

[shadow]

Let me give this query a shot :)

Of all the things Claudia thought she’d learn in college, exorcism wasn’t one of them. But when she befriends the deviously debonair Cyrus Blackwell, Claudia finds herself submerged in a world where spirits roam about masquerading as people, and vacations include travel between the realms of the living and the dead.I would recommend stopping here and having that as your hook. Between passing classes, staying in style, and fixing her cousin’s bad-turning-worse relationship, Claudia has little time to be observant. But as she soon finds out, there’s a lot more to other people – dead or alive—than meets the eye. Not everything in the Spirit World revolves around bad puns and daisy-patterned sheets, and some of the more selfish spirits are just dying for her permanent companionship.I must admit I like the way you worded this part of the query. I pretty much get the idea of the story.

SINCERELY, FROM THE OTHER SIDE is a complete 90,000-word paranormal young adult novel that follows a young woman’s search for purpose and a better understanding of others. Though I have no previous published works, the stories within this book are thoroughly researched and based on real occurrences in today's college campus. As a current sophomore in [took out my university's name], I have been carefully observing the daily rituals, habits and anxieties of my peers.

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,

C.C.W

I liked it! Short and to the point!

[Joel Q]

BlancheKing,

The one thing I would like to see is a little bit more, a hint, about the paranormal conflict she is about to face. What's at stake?
Is this the that conflict? " some of the more selfish spirits are just dying for her permanent companionship."

And your choice of the word 'dying,' I'm not sure if you are using a cliche or the spirits really are dying.

Also, I don't think the research paper will have much of an impact, unless it wins the Nobel Peace prize.

JQ

[KappaP]

Hey! This is a great query and I don't have too many revisions. I like that it's short, you pick out important plot/thematic elements and don't get caught up in details. Not easy to do, but you did it well!

"Dear [Insert Agent's Name here],

Of all the things Claudia thought she’d learn in college, exorcism wasn’t one of them. great first sentence.But when she befriends the deviously debonair Cyrus Blackwell, Claudia finds herself submerged in a world where spirits roam about masquerading as people, and vacations include travel between the realms of the living and the dead. Between passing classes, staying in style, and fixing her cousin’s bad-turning-worse relationship, Claudia has little time to be observant. But as she soon finds out, there’s a lot more to other people – dead or alive—than meets the eye. Not everything in the Spirit World revolves around bad puns and daisy-patterned sheets, and some of the more selfish spirits are just dying for her permanent companionship. fantastic paragraph. my only suggestion is to change "deviously debonair" to devious and debonair. i HATE the -lys and find they cheapen otherwise good writing. in this case, i imagine you are not saying his debonairness is devious, but rather than Cyrus is both devious and debonair. changing it to "devious and debonair Cyrus" strengthens both those adjectives, IMO.

SINCERELY, FROM THE OTHER SIDE is a complete 90,000-word paranormal young adult novel that follows a young woman’s search for purpose and a better understanding of others. {{Though I have no previous published works, the stories within this book are thoroughly researched and based on real occurrences in today's college campus. As a current sophomore in [took out my university's name], I have been carefully observing the daily rituals, habits and anxieties my peers. }} Take it out. This doesn't make you seem more qualified, as a writer it's our job to be observant of human nature and pointing it out just made me go "well.... okay, of course, I guess." You have a STRONG query, a STRONG idea and STRONG writing. This last part took away from that for me. Also, and anyone can feel free to disagree with me here-- as a youngun myself, I think you want to tread lightly around your age. I've read a lot of snarkiness from agents that say "ha! you're 25??? Go get a JOB for a while and THEN tell me about the world!" and it's BS, it is. But I think admitting to how young you are, at this stage, may compromise how seriously an agent takes you. And, like I said, I'm in the same boat. But your writing is very strong and your premise is great as well, let that speak for itself so that when they offer you representation they say "holy crap! You're only a sophomore?!?! Wow!" rather than taking your writing less seriously or judging it harsher before they get to see it. ......That was a long rant. Sorry, I'm currently frustrated about that though, haha.

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,

C.C.W

Great query-- I'm super impressed. You did a great job giving me an idea of plot as well as greater themes and struggle all in a REFRESHINGLY short quip. That is not an easy task, but you definitely did very well with it. Best of luck, keep us posted!

[rose]

I hate sounding like a MeToo bird, but this is a very nice query. I would drop out the bit about being observant, and helping your father with his research paper, but other than that, it's a keeper.

rose

[Krista G.]

I'm actually going to disgree (a little) and say that I think this needs more detail. The writing in the first paragraph is nice, but I want to get a better sense of the conflict and stakes than I do. Is Cyrus Blackwell our villain? If not, who (or what) is? I like your line "and some of the more selfish spirits are just dying for her permanent companionship," but I'm afraid I don't really understand what it means. Are they trying to kill her to make her one of them? If that's the case, that would certainly clarify the stakes - unless she wants to be killed. If THAT'S the case, then is she struggling with the choice between living or dying?

Also, because of Claudia's age, you're going to have to market this very carefully. I've heard some stirrings of late that the so-called new adult market is going to be the next big thing (St. Martin's Press is launching a new line specifically targeted at the 18- to 24-year-old market, which you can read about here http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2009/12/ne ... t-smp.html at Kristin Nelson's blog, or I've also seen it mentioned elsewhere on these forums), but it's still in the very early stages. I have a particular interest in this, too, since the project I'm currently querying features a 19-year-old MC:) Anyway, just a heads-up.

Lastly, as far as your biographical paragraph goes, I'd leave off all the stuff about being in college (and helping your father write a medical research paper). Those credits aren't all that relevant, and including them just makes it sound like you're having to dig for credentials. In this case, I'd say it's best to let the work speak for itself.

One last suggestion: In lieu of an extensive bio, you might consider adding some agent-specific details to your query. Just a little something to let each agent know you did your research and have decided to query them for a particular reason.

[BlancheKing]

Thank you for your opinions; they really helped with the revision. I just have one more question: In regards to submitting, say, the first three pages (Double space, of course). Should I cut the novel at exactly three pages or should I finish the sentence/ thought even though it would run into a fourth page? Or should I just cut the last thought all together?

[KappaP]

Don't cut it off mid sentence, cut it off in the logical place (hopefully not too much longer after the third page). Use judgment.

[Hillsy]

"Dear [Insert Agent's Name here],

Of all the things Claudia thought she’d learn in college, exorcism wasn’t one of them. (I've started to note this is becoming a pet peev of mine....so this could be totally subjective....This format of intro I don't like simply because it's sounds formulaic and and obvious - the only place one would expect to learn exorcism is in training for some special wing of the clergy....It's a fine starting point but just a verbal tweak maybe....something like "It wasn't on the syllabus at High School, but Claudia ended up taking Exorcism 101 anyway."...Also, just a side note, you don't mention exorcism anywhere else in the query, should it be?) But when she befriends the deviously debonair Cyrus Blackwell (Agree with KappaP), Claudia finds herself submerged in a world where spirits roam about masquerading as people, and vacations include travel between the realms of the living and the dead. Between passing classes, staying in style, and fixing her cousin’s bad-turning-worse relationship, Claudia has little time to be observant. But as she soon finds out, there’s a lot more to other people – dead or alive—than meets the eye. Not everything in the Spirit World revolves around bad puns and daisy-patterned sheets, (Good details, good complications, great Voice, and I honestly think these things along would get sample pages read. But personally, for me, I'm extrapolating a plot rather than reading one. I think I know it is, but I could also be wrong. Taken purely from the text you've got - Girl meets Guy, Guy introduces her to a permeable Spirit World, Some spirits want her dead - which just isn't enough. You only need a line, a paltry dozen words, and everything would slot into place) and some of the more selfish spirits are just dying for her permanent companionship. (Wicked last line, great way to close a query.)

SINCERELY, FROM THE OTHER SIDE is a complete 90,000-word paranormal young adult novel that follows a young woman’s search for purpose and a better understanding of others. Though I have no previous published works, the stories within this book are thoroughly researched and based on real occurrences in today's college campus. As a current sophomore in [took out my university's name], I have been carefully observing the daily rituals, habits and anxieties my peers.(I'm with everyone else I'm afraid....the bio isn't helping you much at all

I feel a bit evil for writing so much but it's one of those queries you read and go "WOW!", then when you look at it closer you realise there's not wuite the substance behind it. I mean I'm only talking about 1 or 2 points, and to be honest I think an Agent would be reading the sample pages before she even realised there was a gap or two in there. But, personally, a couple of in depth pointers as to why Cluadia's in danger and who from etc etc is all you need!

good luck

[Nathan Bransford]

I agree with Hillsy about the first line. "Of all the things..." is a query cliche, and as a result I find the first line a tad clunky. I like the idea that she never thought she'd learn exorcism in college, but then, no one plans to learn exorcism in college, do they?

I think the exorcism idea is catchy enough that you can get straight to the story without trying to make the the first sentence a tagline. Does that make sense?

Good luck!

[BlancheKing]

I think so. So instead of "learning exorcism in college", I should just rearrange the rest of the paragraph so that it provides a summary of the book.

Thank you for reviewing my query =)