Query for ST. JOHNS: a new outlook

[boatbuilder]

Sorry that I have commented in a while. I hope it will not stop you from commenting on this query. Thanks in advance for any comments.

For several years all of the Federal Law Enforcement Agencies have been looking. All they have are whispers and theories. It started with three beautiful young American girls, or their remains, that were found in terrorist camps. The theory is that a slaver is selling them for use by terrorist princes. One lead has pointed to Bobby Cundiff, the former Sheriff of Putnam County, but evidence is not to be found.

Justin Thomas was on edge from finding a murdered body two days ago. The old facility he and his employee, Vicky Volker, are checking for pollutants prior to its demolition, is adding to that edginess. There are too many strange things, like weed cleared areas and new locks, for it to have been abandoned for as long as he was told.

After Vicky got a lungful of stagnant air she is holding a rope to pull Justin out if anything else happens. When Justin exits the building Vicky is missing. Justin realizes she has been abducted when he catches a glimpse of an ATV heading into the wilderness with her limp form strapped to it.

Justin gives chase and rescues her. Later, in her hospital room, a man enters and says that he is Bobby Cundiff, the former Sheriff of Putnam County. Vicky’s reaction, though heavily sedated, tells Justin a lot more. When Bobby Cundiff leaves he gives Justin a final look. That look tells Justin that it is now personal because he has placed himself between a predator and his prey.

ST. JOHNS is a completed 73000 word mystery/thriller.

[LurkingVirologist]

Hey builder,

Your query is definitely improving, and it's good that you're taking suggestions and making changes. You've definitely streamlined it. Here are a few thoughts off the top of my head...

A) You're jumping between present and past tense a lot, and it's jumbling things up. It also seems to be leading to some odd sentence constructions. The first paragraph, for instance, changes tense with every sentence: #1 "have been" (past), #2 "they have" (present), #3 "were found" (past), #4 "theory is" (present), #5 "has pointed" (past). It might be helpful to put the information in the logical order that a person would want to see it, before deciding if you want to play coy. Once you've got the bare bones, you can embellish to taste.

For example: The remains of three young american girls have been found in terrorist camps. Federal law enforcement is struggling with too many theories and not enough evidence. One of those longshot leads is Bobby Cundiff, the former Sheriff of Putnam county who [insert cause of suspicion here].

B) I'd caution against using the words 'terrorist' or 'slaver' without qualifying them. Both are very charged, but also have diverse meaning. Depending on who you are addressing 'terrorist' could mean Arab Jihadis, German far-right nationalists, Tim McVeigh style anti-government whackos, or Chechen separatists (to name just a few variations). You don't want to create the impression of invoking a shallow stereotype, as I imagine it could turn a prospective agent off. Some more detail would help here. Also, the phrase 'terrorist prince' is very confusing.

C) I don't have a good sense of the characters. It seems like Justin, Vicky, and Bobby are the main players, but I know nothing about who they are besides the fact that Bobby is the depraved bad guy. Give me at least one revealing detail about each, whether it's an attitude, a bit of back story, or a dramatic circumstance. You can work those details into the set-up, but by the end I should have some empathy for the people you've described, not just fear for their circumstances.

Hope I can be of some help. Keep at it.

-LV

[Quill]

Sorry that I have commented in a while. I hope it will not stop you from commenting on this query. Thanks in advance for any comments.

For several years all of the Federal Law Enforcement Agencies have been looking. All they have are whispers and theories. It started with three beautiful young American girls, or their remains, that were found in terrorist camps. The theory is that a slaver is selling them for use by terrorist princes. One lead has pointed to Bobby Cundiff, the former Sheriff of Putnam County, but evidence is not to be found.

Justin Thomas was on edge from finding a murdered body two days ago. The old facility he and his employee, Vicky Volker, are checking for pollutants prior to its demolition, is adding to that edginess. There are too many strange things, like weed cleared areas and new locks, for it to have been abandoned for as long as he was told.

After Vicky got a lungful of stagnant air she is holding a rope to pull Justin out if anything else happens. When Justin exits the building Vicky is missing. Justin realizes she has been abducted when he catches a glimpse of an ATV heading into the wilderness with her limp form strapped to it.

Justin gives chase and rescues her. Later, in her hospital room, a man enters and says that he is Bobby Cundiff, the former Sheriff of Putnam County. Vicky’s reaction, though heavily sedated, tells Justin a lot more. When Bobby Cundiff leaves he gives Justin a final look. That look tells Justin that it is now personal because he has placed himself between a predator and his prey.

ST. JOHNS is a completed 73000 word mystery/thriller.

After several drafts the query is still rife with passive statements. The prose seems to prefer indirect description. Awkwardly worded are some sentences. Others focus on trivial details such as a look, a glimpse, entering a room, and the stagnancy of a particular breath of air (the agent reading will want meta-view and main action/conflict). And as another poster mentions, verb tense shifts back and forth, which is, was, and will be bothersome to read. The resultant effect is dry and lacks color and drive. I've tried to simulate some of the problems within my reply so the author might see the effect. This poster realizes the difficulty of writing a spicy hot query letter and wishes the author good luck with the book project.

[boatbuilder]

Thank you both. I am trying and it is difficult. Please tell me if this is any closer, because I obviously don't have a clue

When the man walked into his employee’s, Vicky, hospital room, it barely registered on Justin Thomas. He was tired and worried about his employee. They had come to the area two days ago because of two environmental contracts. One was to solve algal blooms in the St. Johns River. Justin had pulled up a murdered body while getting water samples; while Vicky’s historical research had connected four other bodies. The second job, a pre-demolition pollutant survey of an abandoned facility had gotten Vicky abducted. Luckily Justin had rescued her before too much happened.

Vicky’s agitation made Justin aware of the man. He wasn’t a doctor and the cops at the door were supposed to keep others out. The way he was looking at Vicky sent a chill up Justin’s spine. When Justin tried to remove him he turned a look at Justin that told volumes as he stated “I’m Bobby Cundiff and you had better chill.” Justin understood that this man was the abductor and he had stepped between a predator and his intended prey.

Evidence mounts and a Federal Agent discloses that there is urgent current chatter centered on Putnam County, where Bobby Cundiff is the former Sheriff. Financial records on Bobby show a mansion being built in the Bahamas and an offshore account. Why he hasn’t run seems tied to the chatter. Is it also tied to that abandoned facility?


ST. JOHNS is a completed 73000 word mystery/thriller.