Query!! Please be honest and give any suggestions

[COFFEE@3AM]

Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Cara Smalls becomes the victim of a demon attack, her rescuers tell her that they are members of a secret organization called The Order. The Order's mission: protect the key to the prison that holds Lucifer captive from his army of fallen angels who wish to set him free. There is just one problem; the key is missing.

Through her rescuers, Cara learns that the fallen angels have despised humans since their creation. With their leader Lucifer, the most powerful of all the fallen angels, they plan to bring about the apocalypse, destroying the world and wiping out all of humanity. As if learning of the existence of demons and genocidal angels wasn’t enough of a bombshell, Cara is told that her deceased mother was also a member of the Order, and the only person to know the missing key's location. Now, on the assumption that she has the key, the fallen angels are after Cara.

After a counselor is murdered at the orphanage where she lives and she is framed for his death, Cara agrees to join the Order and aid them in there search for the lost key. With no idea where to begin looking, their search becomes more challenging than Cara bargained for as are the other supernatural beings trying to kill them along the way. To save our world and keep Lucifer in his prison, Cara and the Order must find the key before the fallen angels do and bring it back under the Order's protection.

THE KEY is a work of YA fiction complete at 56,000 words.


Thank you for your time,

[Quill]

Your query, while decently written, has one main problem as I see it: most of it is contained in the short first paragraph. The first paragraph is quite good. But after that, very little new info is added. And so it feels like walking on a treadmill -- a lot of striding but not much travel.

And so I would compress the two following paragraphs, and maybe add some insight into Cara, who comes off kind of nondescript. What motivates her, and what are her challenges?

It sounds like a fairly interesting project and good luck with it.

[COFFEE@3AM]

My book has a romantic story between my main character and her rescuer that I have been trying to work into my Query so how about this:


Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Cara Smalls' world is turned upside down when she becomes the victim of a demon attack. Tristan, her rescuer, tells her that he is a member of a secret organization called The Order. The Order's mission: protect the key to the prison that holds Lucifer captive from his army of fallen angels who wish to free him. There is just one problem, the key is missing.

Tristan tells Cara that the fallen angels have despised humans since their creation. With their leader Lucifer, the most powerful of all the fallen angels, they plan to bring about the apocalypse, destroying the world and wiping out all of humanity. As if learning of the existence of demons and genocidal angels wasn't enough of a bombshell, Tristan tells Cara that her deceased mother was also a member of the Order, and the only person to know the missing key's location. Now, on the assumption that she has the key, the fallen angels are after Cara.

By blood right, it is Cara's destiny to join the Order, needless to say she is a little hesitant. When a counselor is murdered at the orphanage where she lives and she is framed, by the fallen angels, for his death, Cara agrees to join the Order and aid them in their search for the key. With no idea where to begin looking, their search becomes more challenging than Cara bargained for; as are the supernatural being trying to kill her along the way. It's a good thing she has Tristan there to protect her. Cara tries to deny her attraction to the beautiful boy who saved her life, after all the fate of the world is in jeopardy, but as the saying goes, "easier said than done." To save our world Cara and the Order must find the key before the fallen angels do and bring it back under the Order's protection.

THE KEY is a work of YA fiction with a touch a romance, complete at 56,000 words.

Thank you for your time,

[Quill]

My book has a romantic story between my main character and her rescuer that I have been trying to work into my Query so how about this:


Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Cara Smalls' world is turned upside down when she becomes the victim of a demon attack. Tristan, her rescuer, tells her that he is a member of a secret organization called The Order. The Order's mission: protect the key to the prison that holds Lucifer captive from his army of fallen angels who wish to free him. There is just one problem, the key is missing.

Tristan tells Cara that the fallen angels have despised humans since their creation. With their leader Lucifer, the most powerful of all the fallen angels, they plan to bring about the apocalypse, destroying the world and wiping out all of humanity. As if learning of the existence of demons and genocidal angels wasn't enough of a bombshell, Tristan tells Cara that her deceased mother was also a member of the Order, and the only person to know the missing key's location. Now, on the assumption that she has the key, the fallen angels are after Cara.

By blood right, it is Cara's destiny to join the Order, needless to say she is a little hesitant. When a counselor is murdered at the orphanage where she lives and she is framed, by the fallen angels, for his death, Cara agrees to join the Order and aid them in their search for the key. With no idea where to begin looking, their search becomes more challenging than Cara bargained for; as are the supernatural being trying to kill her along the way. It's a good thing she has Tristan there to protect her. Cara tries to deny her attraction to the beautiful boy who saved her life, after all the fate of the world is in jeopardy, but as the saying goes, "easier said than done." To save our world Cara and the Order must find the key before the fallen angels do and bring it back under the Order's protection.

THE KEY is a work of YA fiction with a touch a romance, complete at 56,000 words.

Thank you for your time,

You are going to need to work on the quality of the prose in this query. It feels slapped together. And I know it is difficult to write a bright query but that is what is needed, if you wish to shine through the slushpile. Remember, the object is to pique the interest of an agent to ask for some pages.I would start with maybe four key sentences that tell the critical points of your story. Expand on the four sentences judiciously. Try for 135 words in two or three paragraphs. End with the big decision or problem faced by the main character, the dilemma and the choice to be made. That's your crux. Open with your hook, end with your crux. In between, try and show how unique and fresh your story and writing are.

Doing so, I would try and avoid tropes that show up in so many queries, such as "world turned upside down," "the only problem is," (really, the only problem?) "as if this wasn't enough," and "more than they bargained for" (really, did they bargain?). They have become cliche and are crutches and therefore do not highlight your writing skills.