MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller

[jaktt12]

Hi everyone,

I received some great feedback from you all on my previous project. Several agents are looking at it now, so thanks!

In the meantime, I finished another manuscript. Anyone care to weigh in on the query? Thank you.

J

Dear [Agent]

Liza Marie Rumpleton tells fortunes—usually fake, sometimes real—at a pair of overturned peach crates in her parents’ garage. When she saves a reporter’s life, the press coverage has business booming, but Liza’s own fortunes aren’t exactly looking up.

Her best friend Sammy is jealous, her school has her in a secluded classroom for evaluation, and on top of this, Liza still blames herself for not foreseeing her sister’s death two years ago. Now, protestors have gathered, demanding Liza and her “sorcery” be removed from the school. With more articles being printed and the townspeople taking sides, Liza’s starting to think the publicity may not be worth the stress.

To win back support, Liza organizes a public Fortune Fest demonstration, but when the crowd grows into a town-wide mob, she decides telling a few fortunes isn’t going to resolve anything. Liza will have to figure out a way to quell the chaos, smooth things out at school, and win back Sammy—when all she really wants to do is see her sister again, but even fortune tellers have their limits.

The Real Fake Fortune Teller, a humorous middle grade novel with heart, is complete at 25,000 words. I’ve had several short stories published in print and online. Thanks for your time and consideration.

[Nicole R]

Sounds like a heartwarming and fun premise. I'm a little concerned that 25K might be too short to fully tell all of the details you mention in the query. Have you had any beta readers look at it yet? They're a great resource for pointing out areas where you can explain more or expand on the characters.

I like the idea of her on-again, off-again fortune telling abilities. If her predictions are usually wrong, though, why would she risk holding a public fortune telling contest to get people back on her side? I'm also curious to know more about her sister. Is there more at stake for Liza than winning back her friend? If so, be sure to get those details in the query too.

Good luck!

[jaktt12]

Thanks for the feedback Nicole. Below is a revision for you, or anyone else, to take a look at if you'd like. Thanks again!


Dear [Agent],

Nine-year-old Liza Marie Rumpleton tells fortunes—usually fake, sometimes real—at a pair of overturned peach crates in her parents’ garage. The fake fortunes bring in the cash, but when a real one saves a reporter from an accident at the town marble-polishing factory, business starts booming. Unfortunately, Liza’s own fortunes are looking worse by the minute.

Her best friend Sammy is jealous, her school puts her in a special room (the janitorial closet) for evaluation, and on top of this, Liza still blames herself for not foreseeing her sister’s death two years ago. Now, protestors have gathered, demanding all “sorcery” be removed from the school. With more articles being printed and the townspeople taking sides, Liza’s thinking the publicity may not be worth the stress.

To demonstrate that her fortune telling is nothing to fear, Liza organizes a townwide Fortune Fest event. But the crowd grows into a mob, and by the time the second hotdog cart is flipped, Liza realizes that saving her town from self-destruction may mean losing her business. Of course, none of this would matter if she could just see her sister again, but even fortune tellers have their limits.

The Real Fake Fortune Teller, a humorous middle grade novel with heart, is complete at 25,000 words. I’ve had several short stories published in print and online. Thanks for your time and consideration.

[Nicole R]

I noticed a couple other questions this time around: If Liza is only nine, would she be worried about "bringing in cash" or "losing her business?" The stakes here don't have the same meaning as they would for an adult, and that might make it a little harder for young readers to relate. Now, if she's saving the money for some fun, childlike item, or an adventure or to investigate her sister's death, that might be different. I could understand her motivation more then. Right now, "losing her business" seems like a small price to pay to save the town. I think you might want to up the stakes.

Another item to perhaps clarify, you've said this is MG. Is it MG fantasy or are there no fantastical elements at all? You mention that her school wants to crack down on sorcery, and I'm curious about whether Liza's world is one where sorcery actually exists and is a legitimate threat or if that phrase is more about the fear-of-the-unknown in general. If the story has fantastical elements, you'll want to make that clear.

And I still want to know more about her sister.

[brwonjett]

Eric didn't agree to the Council's rules, and he won't abandon his mother. When his attempts to jump-start his memory fail, Eric convinces his only friend in town to help him run away and search for his mom. What he doesn't realize is that the evil being that haunts his dreams is still out there . . . and would love to reunite with him.

[writerly_black_cat]

Dear [Agent],

Nine-year-old Liza Marie Rumpleton tells fortunes—usually fake, sometimes real—at a pair of overturned peach crates in her parents’ garage. The fake fortunes bring in the cash, but when a real one saves a reporter from an accident at the town marble-polishing factory, business starts booming. Unfortunately, Liza’s own fortunes are looking worse by the minute. I'm curious as to how much cash Liza is bringing in, and what her customer base is. It would make sense if she sold fortunes to other children, which would make the 'bring in the cash' statement an exaggeration since children don't have a lot of money to begin with, but it's a little odd to think an adult (this reporter) would go see her. I would clarify who receives the fortune that saves the reporter's life, and if it is the reporter, mention their chance meeting.

Her best friend Sammy is jealous, her school puts her in a special room (the janitorial closet) for evaluation, and on top of this, Liza still blames herself for not foreseeing her sister’s death two years ago. Now, protestors have gathered, demanding all “sorcery” be removed from the school. With more articles being printed and the townspeople taking sides, Liza’s thinking the publicity may not be worth the stress. Okay, it seems strange that the school would put her in a closet. And more of her fortunes would have to turn real for protestors to begin protesting her 'sorcery.'

To demonstrate that her fortune telling is nothing to fear, Liza organizes a townwide Fortune Fest event. But the crowd grows into a mob, and by the time the second hotdog cart is flipped, Liza realizes that saving her town from self-destruction may mean losing her business. Of course, none of this would matter if she could just see her sister again, but even fortune tellers have their limits. I'm confused. This is the second time we hear about the sister, but if she is a driving force in Liza's life, then I would mention her and her untimely death much earlier in the beginning. I also think that there should be some more underlying tension in the town explained or hinted at, caused by Liza's fortune-telling. The last line is a bit confusing as well. It sounds like she's just making predictions as a fortune teller, not trying to speak to the dead or anything.

The Real Fake Fortune Teller, a humorous middle grade novel with heart, is complete at 25,000 words. I’ve had several short stories published in print and online. Thanks for your time and consideration. It is an interesting query, I just think that you need to connect the dots a bit more, like how Liza's dead sister fits into all this, and what drives Liza to tell fortunes, besides the money since it's not quite believable that a young girl would be driven by money.