Please Request Query Feedback: Literary/Avant-Garde

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Jane
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Please Request Query Feedback: Literary/Avant-Garde

Post by Jane » October 15th, 2012, 1:02 pm

Dear Agent:

At the age of six, Edward sees his father shot through the head. Nine years later, he meets his first love. Sarah’s father shares her bed. Edward’s own dad is dead. They spend summer nights losing themselves in a field.
In a society where assassination is legal, one man is the casualty of an angry wife. The other man is a casualty of his daughter’s eighteenth birthday.
Except that Sarah’s father skipped town before she turned eighteen.
Years later, Edward meets Irene—the woman whose brothers contract hits. Irene is the innocent child likeness to what Sarah should have been and never was, and Edward trails her unsullied, porcelain-white physique to her haven, her love, the world of brothers. Bête noires of his chimaera dreams gone Gucci, the brothers are cultured. Shockingly attractive. Swaddled in blind love for Irene and the twisted Zen of her luxury model brothers, Edward finds himself relenting to the elder brother’s gradual erosion of Edward’s panzer-plated psyche, and Earl gradually forces a degree of intimacy Edward is failing to attain with Irene.
It’s a triangle that increasingly spins out of control as Edward locates Sarah’s father, tells Sarah the location but begs her to abstain from the hit. He pleads with her, face her father, don’t have him hit. Edward loves Irene, fractures painfully at Earl’s black-eyed scrutiny, needs beyond reason to save Sarah. Needs to save himself. Desperate to convince others to pursue the unconventional—
Don’t do the kill.
When killing is so easy, why consider the alternative?
Redemption by Proxy is a work that bridges the genres of literary and avant garde. It is complete at 96,000 words. The book is a deeply psychological, character-driven novel that explores the fallout of violence and trauma. My personal experience, coupled to an M.S in Neuroscience, gives me a deeply insightful and knowledgeable base from which to pursue this in-depth, highly relevant thought experiment related to emotional survival in an imperfect world.


Regards,

Mitchell
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Re: Please Request Query Feedback: Literary/Avant-Garde

Post by Mitchell » October 19th, 2012, 4:16 pm

Hey Jane,

Although the premise sounds interesting I have to admit I am thoroughly confused as to what the plot is, and where each character fits in... in particular Edwards relationships with Sarah and Irene. I am not sure what happened between Sarah and Edward, and what it has to do with Irene and her brothers.

"At the age of six, Edward sees his father shot through the head. Nine years later, he meets his first love. Sarah’s father shares her bed. Edward’s own dad is dead. They spend summer nights losing themselves in a field.
In a society where assassination is legal, one man is the casualty of an angry wife. The other man is a casualty of his daughter’s eighteenth birthday.
Except that Sarah’s father skipped town before she turned eighteen."

You mention that Edwards father killed himself, I don't think you need to mention it again two sentences later. I don't know what Sarah's father sharing her bed has to do with the plot of the book other than being a interesting detail that perhaps brings Edward and Sarah together for a time, but for a query I don't know if this is must-have information.

If assassination is legal, it seems that this would be your "hook", in which case perhaps you give a brief description of the setting first, then move to plot and character. As is, it sort of comes out of nowhere.

The other man is a casualty of his daughter’s eighteenth birthday. Except that Sarah’s father skipped town before she turned eighteen." Is the "other man" Sarah's father? It reads this way, but then the next sentence pops up and confuses me more, I don't know who you are talking about anymore.

Your novel sounds like an intriguing concept and read, I hope the specific points above help!

-Mitch

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wilderness
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Re: Please Request Query Feedback: Literary/Avant-Garde

Post by wilderness » October 23rd, 2012, 2:20 pm

Jane wrote:Dear Agent:

At the age of six, Edward sees his father shot through the head. Nine years later, he meets his first love. Sarah’s father shares her bed. Edward’s own dad is dead. You already mentioned that he saw his father shot. Secondly, what does that have to do with meeting Sarah? They spend summer nights losing themselves in a field. It's not clear who "they" are.
In a society where assassination is legal, one man is the casualty of an angry wife. The other man is a casualty of his daughter’s eighteenth birthday. I think you need to explain this world better. Why is assassination legal? Who are you talking about? Stick to your main characters.
Except that Sarah’s father skipped town before she turned eighteen. I thought you said she is sleeping with him. Now you're saying it's in the far past. Your chronology is confusing.
Years later, Edward meets Irene—the woman whose brothers contract hits. Irene is the innocent child likeness to what Sarah should have been and never was, and Edward trails her unsullied, porcelain-white physique to her haven, her love, the world of brothers. Okay, so I don't find this description of Irene to be very modern. She sounds like a Dickens heroine. Also how innocent and childlike can she really be if her brothers are hitmen?

Bête noires of his chimaera dreams gone Gucci, the brothers are cultured. Shockingly attractive. Swaddled in blind love for Irene and the twisted Zen of her luxury model brothers, Edward finds himself relenting to the elder brother’s gradual erosion of Edward’s panzer-plated psyche, and Earl gradually forces a degree of intimacy Edward is failing to attain with Irene.


It’s a triangle that increasingly spins out of control as Edward locates Sarah’s father, tells Sarah the location but begs her to abstain from the hit. He pleads with her, face her father, don’t have him hit. Edward loves Irene, fractures painfully at Earl’s black-eyed scrutiny, needs beyond reason to save Sarah. Needs to save himself. Desperate to convince others to pursue the unconventional—

I've lost all track of the plot.


Don’t do the kill.
When killing is so easy, why consider the alternative?
Redemption by Proxy is a work that bridges the genres of literary and avant garde. It is complete at 96,000 words. The book is a deeply psychological, character-driven novel that explores the fallout of violence and trauma. My personal experience, coupled to an M.S in Neuroscience, gives me a deeply insightful and knowledgeable base from which to pursue this in-depth, highly relevant thought experiment related to emotional survival in an imperfect world.


Regards,
The plot seems a bit muddled here. Remove extraneous details and simplify until your plot is crystal clear. Check out Query Shark for great examples. Good luck.

Jane
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Re: Please Request Query Feedback: Literary/Avant-Garde

Post by Jane » April 1st, 2013, 3:55 pm

Hi Mitchell and Wilderness,

Thanks for much for your feedback! I must apologize for my late response, and you've probably forgotten that you ever offered me commentary. But if you do check to see, I wanted to say thanks.

I had posted that query and then decided I wasn't ready to query, and then I just abandoned the situation. :(

I seem to have serious difficulty conveying the story in a query. People always tell me the are confused. It doesn't seem confusing to me, but I know the story. The story is complex, and I struggle distilling it to the elements.

I appreciate your feedback and I will try again.

And I am also familiar with the Query Shark, but I should check her out again.

Thanks!

Jane

Theresa_B
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Re: Please Request Query Feedback: Literary/Avant-Garde

Post by Theresa_B » April 24th, 2013, 5:27 pm

Hi Jane,

I, too, found the query very confusing. You have too many details and characters and it was hard to find the plot. Try focusing on the main conflict of the book. Try answering the question in one sentence: What is my book about? And build on that.

I find Query Shark to be very helpful, especially the revised queries that she considers a success. Seeing how someone took their query from bad to great really helps!

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