YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN

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geogstacey
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YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN

Post by geogstacey » August 17th, 2012, 11:37 am

Dear Agent,

Angels suck! Being the key to Eden SUCKS! Actually, there isn’t much about her life that doesn’t suck! Sucky McSucky is what you can call her.

When sixteen-year-old Ava is ambushed by fallen angels her brush with date rape seems trivial to the fact that four demons are hunting her down and want her to open the gates to Hell. Or worse, there is a war raging between Heaven and Hell and she is the prize. Or a whole other level of worseness, there are four guardian angels in her life that dictate her every action, she can’t freaking sneeze without asking for permission, so much for a boyfriend, prom, and school!

Even if the guardians are trying to keep her safe from the fallen’s wrath, it’s not good enough. When Erica, Ava’s best friend is kidnapped by the fallen she must surrender herself to them or let her best friend die.

Complete at 70,000 words KEY OF EDEN is YA Paranormal. I am a member of SCBWI and a contributing author to the literary blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered.

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LurkingVirologist
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Re: YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN

Post by LurkingVirologist » August 19th, 2012, 2:47 am

Red is suggested cut, blue is linked to [a comment]

"Angels suck! Being the key to Eden SUCKS! Actually, there isn’t much about her life that doesn’t suck! Sucky McSucky is what you can call her. [Honestly, my first impulse was to smack your MC upside the head for being so petulant - I think I get what you are trying to do, but I'm not sure if it will work without you having already established a snarky/melodramatic voice for the character - remember, your opening line is literally context free and you may be taking a risk that the agent will not be in the right mindset for this kind of line]

When sixteen-year-old Ava is ambushed by fallen angels her brush with date rape seems trivial [uhh...this really rubbed me the wrong way. again - not much space to establish voice/context in a query, so using the words 'rape' and 'trivial' in the same sentence runs a big risk of coming off very badly] to the fact that four demons are hunting her down and want her to open the gates to Hell. Or worse, there is a war raging between Heaven and Hell and she is the prize. Or a whole other level of worseness, there are four guardian angels in her life that dictate her every action, she can’t freaking sneeze without asking for permission, so much for a boyfriend, prom, and school! [awkwardly worded - maybe break into 2 sentences]

Even if the guardians are trying to keep her safe from the fallen’s wrath, it’s not good enough [I don't understand what this means]. When Erica, Ava’s best friend is kidnapped by the fallen she must surrender herself to them or let her best friend die."

Couple questions:
1. Fallen Angels = Demons?
2. How is she a prize? She's neutral? She has guardian angels though. So the fallen are after her, but heaven is protecting her? If she's that important, why only four guards?
3. There are fallen angels/demons already running around, so how is opening the gates of hell going to change the situation? does that mean hell wins? stakes aren't clear.
4. Ava has to know that if she surrenders to the fallen she, her best friend, and everyone she cares about will die, so it doesn't really sound like much of a choice. Horrible situation - yes. Rescue mission - plausible. Surrendering as an actual option - not really.
"Books break the shackles of time, proof that humans can work magic." -Carl Sagan

kelseyebeach
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Re: YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN

Post by kelseyebeach » August 19th, 2012, 10:18 am

My biggest problem is similar to LurkingVirologist's: the main character sounds whiney. You want a unique voice, but you don't want to annoy the reader. What else is Ava besides obviously frustrated? Is she girly, outgoing, goth, unpopular, intelligent, etc?

My biggest question is that I don't have a sense of what happens in the book and what is back story. Has Ava always known she was the key to Eden and had four angels following her around? Has the war between Heaven and Hell been going on for millennia or did it just start? Plus what does it mean to be a key to Eden? Is there a new one every generation? Does she have to do anything, or just stay alive to keep Eden intact? Are Eden and Heaven the same thing? It sounds like she's a key to the gates of Hell if the demons want her to open them.

More specific thoughts are below. I broke up the paragraphs to make the comments easier to read.

Dear Agent,

Angels suck! Being the key to Eden SUCKS! Actually, there isn’t much about her life that doesn’t suck! Sucky McSucky is what you can call her. [I'm not a big fan of the exclamation points. I would keep them only if the novel is full of exclamation points. Or maybe keep one and lose the rest.]

When sixteen-year-old Ava is ambushed by fallen angels her brush with date rape seems trivial to the fact that four demons are hunting her down and want her to open the gates to Hell. [I agree with the above: date rape is not trivial. Maybe you could say "a bad date" or something more colorful but less controversial. Also, do the guardian angels fight the demons, or do the demons just ask her really nicely to open their gates? Is this an isolated incident or the beginning of the plot?]

Or worse, there is a war raging between Heaven and Hell and she is the prize. [Again, what's the story on the war and how she fits into it? Also, if she's the key, she's the means to get to the prize, not the prize itself.]

Or a whole other level of worseness, there are four guardian angels in her life that dictate her every action, she can’t freaking sneeze without asking for permission, so much for a boyfriend, prom, and school! [This is a run-on sentence. "Or on another whole level of worseness, her four guardian angels dictate her every action. She can't freaking sneeze without asking for permission. So much for a boyfriend, prom, and school!" You could even cut the sneeze part and still get your point across. One more thing: these three things define Ava's personality. So she's interested in dating boys and going to school. Is the latter because she's brainy or because she wants to meet more guys?]

Even if the guardians are trying to keep her safe from the fallen’s wrath, it’s not good enough. When Erica, Ava’s best friend is kidnapped by the fallen she must surrender herself to them or let her best friend die. [Is this where the story starts? What do Ava and the angels do? Does Ava strap on a sword and fight the demons, or does she argue with the angels to make them rescue Erica? I would cut the first sentence of this paragraph and add one or two more to explain the plot.]

Complete at 70,000 words KEY OF EDEN is YA Paranormal. ["KEY OF EDEN is a YA paranormal novel, complete at 70,000 words."] I am a member of SCBWI and a contributing author to the literary blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered.

Try to clarify the plot and back story in your rewrite. Good luck!

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