How's this?

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
EAH
Posts: 2
Joined: August 20th, 2015, 4:57 pm
Contact:

How's this?

Post by EAH » August 22nd, 2015, 7:17 pm

Hey folks! So I've been tweaking this query a bit, and I'd very much appreciate a bit more feedback! Thanks in advance!

Dear Agent Amazing

Uriel has always been silent. Born as the village mute in a small Jewish town known for its choir, the ten-year-old boy has always been left out. But although he can’t speak, he can write. In a golden notebook he writes tales of angels and mystical adventures. And after his village is destroyed by a gang of Nazi-supporters, his stories seem to come to life.

When he awakens in the aftermath of the pogrom, Uriel finds that he can see, hear, and communicate with angels. Unfortunately, the angels and the Jewish people are in danger. The Archangel Michael, Guardian of the Jewish People, has been captured and hidden by his longtime foe, Samael, the Angel of Death. If Michael is not found soon, the Jewish people will be helpless in the face of the Holocaust.

Holy angels, however, cannot approach sin-swathed areas without being incapacitated by pain. Because of this, they are forced to send Uriel as their Angel-Finder into the Nazi-infested area. With a necklace crafted by the angels that makes him invisible to the wicked, Uriel sets off to find the Archangel and save his people.

But while Uriel searches for the Archangel, Samael himself appears. Amused by the mute boy, the Angel of Death makes a deal with Uriel. If Uriel completes five tasks for the Angel of Death, he will reveal where Michael is hidden. If not, then Uriel must hand over the necklace that keeps the Nazis from finding him. Now Uriel must struggle through Samael’s tests to save the Jews, all while the Nazis work to rid Poland of his people.

A mixture of historical fiction and Jewish folklore, URIEL is complete at 106,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Moi

MarieMorgan
Posts: 1
Joined: August 24th, 2015, 5:09 am
Contact:

Re: How's this?

Post by MarieMorgan » August 24th, 2015, 6:04 am

And after his village is destroyed by a gang of Nazi-supporters, his stories seem to come to life. - You can lose the 'And'. It sounds 'cleaner' that way.

Holy angels, however, cannot approach sin-swathed areas without being incapacitated by pain. Because of this, they are forced to send Uriel as their Angel-Finder into the Nazi-infested area. With a necklace crafted by the angels that makes him invisible to the wicked, Uriel sets off to find the Archangel and save his people.

But while Uriel searches for the Archangel, Samael himself appears. Amused by the mute boy, the Angel of Death makes a deal with Uriel. If Uriel completes five tasks for the Angel of Death, he will reveal where Michael is hidden. If not, then Uriel must hand over the necklace that keeps the Nazis from finding him. Now Uriel must struggle through Samael’s tests to save the Jews, all while the Nazis work to rid Poland of his people.


So, you were brief until these two paragraphs. It's a little too much information. I mean, I already can figure out what might happen next. A query shouldn't reveal so many details. It should be about half the book or even a quarter. You should cut some details and use the same light writing you used in the first paragraphs. Try to be brief and make the agent wonder what might happen if Samael appears. Keep it simple and short and with a touch of mystery. I should be asking questions about how's Samael and how Uriel can find Michael. Don't reveal that in a query.

Overall, the book sounds amazing! It has Angels and myths and folklore and a different type of hero. Being mute it's a nice touch. Uriel's struggle will be so much more intense this way. I'm sorry if I was harsh, that wasn't my intention but sweet talk isn't helping either. I wish you the best of luck and may it rain with agents. You have real chances here :).

- Marie

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu [Spider] and 1 guest