Query YA- The Last

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BAL
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Query YA- The Last

Post by BAL » November 4th, 2014, 10:53 am

Dear Agent,
I am submitting for your consideration THE LAST, a 74,000 word YA sci-fi that will appeal to fans of X-Men and steampunk.
To Rynn, locks are more of an invitation then an obstacle. She’s a pyrokinetic telepath, and one of eleven surviving Afflicted, a hidden group of human beings with supernatural abilities. She and the others have no memory of their childhood, of the great civil war, or the massacre of the rest of their kind…she remembers nothing before the Doctor.

The Doctor, the man who plucked Rynn and the others from the rubble of the war, is a genius machinist, and as the eldest of his adopted Afflicted children, Rynn’s job is to steal unique mechanical artifacts for his latest mystery project. Rynn is the Doctor’s number one tool, but she dreams of leaving the dying kingdom of Cymbria for the neighboring country of Evran where she can live as a typical teenager.

When a failed mission lands Rynn in the dungeons of the Haze, Evran’s secret police, she unlocks the truth about her Guardian. The Doctor plans to use the Afflicted to breed a master race of supernatural beings, and his machine has created a deadly weapon, an unnatural enemy that no human army could stop.

However, the Haze has their own weapon. Their youngest agent Callan is an Afflicted, who also survived the war, but escaped the Doctor’s clutches. If Rynn can tolerate Callan’s arrogance, and unleash the full potential of her powers, the two of them could destroy the Doctor’s machine and rescue her family.

Working with the Haze, Rynn will face the Doctor’s frightening army of half-dead Strikers, and her own complicated past to free those she loves most. Rynn knows she has to stop the Doctor, but can she destroy the only father she’s ever known?
Thank you for your consideration,

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theWallflower
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Re: Query YA- The Last

Post by theWallflower » November 18th, 2014, 12:24 pm

...will appeal to fans of X-Men and steampunk.
I'm not sure if I'd put this at the beginning of the query. Let the agent decide for him/herself whether this fits into the category you think it does. Might be better to mention comp titles.
To Rynn, locks are more of an invitation then an obstacle. She’s a pyrokinetic telepath,
These two have nothing to do with each other. Pyrokinetic means she sets things on fire. What does that have to do with locks? Burn them down? The following sentences also don't follow it. The topic sentence is good, but nothing after it relates.
Rynn’s job is to steal unique mechanical artifacts for his latest mystery project.
These vagaries don't make the query appealing. Stealing from where? Why is the project a mystery? Why does she do this if the doctor doesn't tell her about it?
she dreams of leaving the dying kingdom of Cymbria
This is the first point I understand this is not-Earth. That needs to be made clear earlier.
she unlocks the truth about her Guardian
I always worry when I see a lot of Words with capital Letters to make Things sound important. Also, it makes it sound comic booky, which I know you were going for, but the "evil villain with doomsday device" is too simple and cliche for a novel.
Their youngest agent Callan is an Afflicted
This is too late in the query to be introducing a main character like this.
rescue her family.
By family, do you mean the other Afflicted or her real family?

I feel like this query is more about Cool Terms and Important Events than the characters. I don't know anything about Rynn. This query is too much like a summary of the story than an elevator pitch or back cover copy. It needs to "sell" the book more.
Waterworld meets The Little Mermaid
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WHJohnston
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Re: Query YA- The Last

Post by WHJohnston » December 9th, 2014, 1:02 pm

A lot of people put the title and such at the beginning with a word count. Nathan himself suggests this. However, just as many people say put this at the end. (See QUERYSHARK). When I first did my query, I had the minutia at the beginning, but people suggested starting right off with the thrust of the book. It makes sense to lead with the story, then go into the finer details.

herro raymond
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Re: Query YA- The Last

Post by herro raymond » February 18th, 2016, 5:03 pm

I don't think the order matters as much as the content. The story seems solid, and I would check it out.

hauntedsouls
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Re: Query YA- The Last

Post by hauntedsouls » June 27th, 2017, 3:35 pm

This just seems overly long to me. I also wouldn't put the reference to X-Men there. That is for the agent to decide. Some good elements but it really needs to be pared down. I also agree with other comments.

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