Middle Grade Query

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ddegreeff
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Middle Grade Query

Post by ddegreeff » February 15th, 2010, 12:21 pm

Revised version:

Dear Ms. Agentpants:

Most people would say that Brock Rockster is a prodigy. They’d say that his skills as a celebrated private investigator to the stars and world champion mustache grower set him apart as a ten-year-old worthy of astonishment, spoiling, and admiration. But Brock would just say he’s a winner. He wins. It’s what he does. GONE, KITTY, GONE: A BROCK ROCKSTER MYSTERY is a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 33,600 words, and is best enjoyed by kids who live for intrigue, hidden doors, painfully stupid rivals, and of course, being the absolute best.

When Ms. Poofytail, the celebrity cat and best friend of famed socialite Madame Poogery goes missing in the dead of night, she knows Brock Rockster is the detective she needs. Under the observant eye of a tag-along school news reporter, Brock must search for clues as he braves the strangeness of a creepy funhouse mansion and tries to avoid the side-swiping efforts of his most hated rival. Was Ms. Poofytail kidnapped by her poet monkey boyfriend? The clown costume-wearing butler? The stalker leaving mysterious messages in the mailbox? Or did she simply make a run for it, hoping to find a little peace away from the bright glare of fame? There’s only one ten year-old sleuth clever, tenacious, and tough enough to find out, and he won’t quit until he does.

My publishing credits include the TOMMY BOMANI: TEEN WARRIOR series, an adventurous four-book project I sold without the aid of an agent to Magic Wagon, the middle-grade arm of ABDO Publishing, and a short story that was published in the September ’09 issue of Skive Magazine. Reason for picking this agent. Please email me at email address if you’d like to request a full manuscript, or if you’d just like to chat. I know reading query letters all day can be lonely and tiresome.

Thank you for your time,
Davy DeGreeff
Last edited by ddegreeff on February 17th, 2010, 8:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Davy DeGreeff
@TheBestDavy

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maybegenius
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by maybegenius » February 15th, 2010, 2:12 pm

I think this reads very well! I'd alter the part about mentioning that you're "fairly new to professional writing," as it sounds like you're questioning your ability. You certainly shouldn't be - you have publishing credits to show off! That's a big deal!

Capitalize the title of your novel so it stands out.

This sounds whimsical and fun, and your voice comes out very well.
aka S.E. Sinkhorn, or Steph

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Represented by Michelle Andelman of Regal Literary

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ddegreeff
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by ddegreeff » February 15th, 2010, 2:48 pm

Perfect, Maybe, simple and effective. Come on folks, there's got to be more wrong than this. Hit me with it.
Davy DeGreeff
@TheBestDavy

kaykaybe
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by kaykaybe » February 15th, 2010, 6:28 pm

Dear Ms. Agentpants:

Most people would say that Brock Rockster is a prodigy. They’d say that his skills as a celebrated private investigator to the stars and world champion mustache grower (lol)set him apart as a ten-year-old(what, he has a mustache???) worthy of astonishment, coddling, and admiration. But Brock Rockster would just say he’s a winner. He wins. It’s what he does. Gone, Kitty, Gone: A Brock Rockster Mystery is a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 33,600 words, and is best enjoyed by kids who enjoy intrigue, hidden doors, painfully stupid rivals, and of course, being the absolute best.

When the celebrity cat(I'd insert Ms. Poofytail here) and best friend of famed socialite Madame Poogery goes missing in the dead of night, she knows Brock Rockster is the detective she needs. Under the observant eye of a tag-along school news reporter, Brock must search for clues as he braves the strangeness of a creepy funhouse mansion and tries to avoid the side-swiping efforts of his most hated rival. Was Ms. Poofytail (this nameis hysterical) kidnapped by her poet monkey boyfriend? The clown costume-wearing butler? The stalker leaving mysterious messages in the mailbox?(this example doesn't have as much hilarity. Leave it out, imo) Or did she simply make a run for it, hoping to find a little peace away from the bright glare of fame? There’s only one ten year-old sleuth clever, tenacious, and tough enough to find out, and he won’t quit (delete tenacious because this means the same thing) until he does.

I am fairly new to professional writing (I agree, don't say this.) , and made my official debut this past summer when Magic Wagon (the middle-grade branch of ABDO Publishing) released the Tommy Bomani: Teen Warrior series, an adventurous four-book project I sold without the aid of an agent.(This sentence is extremely awkward. How about 'My previous publishing credits include 'Tommy Bomani: The Teen Warrior Series' released in ?/09 from Magic Wagon, the middle grade branch (or imprint?) and 'BLAHBLAH' short story in the (insert month issue) of Skive Magazine. Nathan wants your ISBN number, I believe. In the time since then I have also had a short story published in Skive Magazine(what issue, what story? ). Reason for picking this agent. Please email me at email address to request a full manuscript, or if you’d just like to chat. I know reading query letters all day can be lonely and tiresome.

Thank you for your time,
Davy DeGreeff

Great voice, Davy. Good luck to you. And just to put a plug in, I'll be posting my query in the next few days. I'd love to have your feedback. -Kelly
www.bookreadress.blogspot.com

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taylormillgirl
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by taylormillgirl » February 15th, 2010, 7:06 pm

ddegreeff wrote:Dear Ms. Agentpants:

Most people would say that Brock Rockster is a prodigy. They’d say that his skills as a celebrated private investigator to the stars and world champion mustache grower set him apart as a ten-year-old worthy of astonishment, coddling, and admiration. Hehe. I'd strike coddling, but that's just me. A tough ten year old with a 'stache probably doesn't need coddling.But Brock Rockster would just say he’s a winner. He wins. It’s what he does. Gone, Kitty, Gone: A Brock Rockster Mystery is a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 33,600 words, and is best enjoyed by kids who enjoy intrigue, hidden doors, painfully stupid rivals, and of course, being the absolute best. Nice!

When the celebrity cat and best friend of famed socialite Madame Poogery goes missing in the dead of night, she knows Brock Rockster is the detective she needs. Under the observant eye of a tag-along school news reporter, Brock must search for clues as he braves the strangeness "braves the strangeness" sounds awkward to my ears. of a creepy funhouse mansion and tries to avoid the side-swiping efforts of his most hated rival. Was Ms. Poofytail kidnapped by her poet monkey boyfriend? The clown costume-wearing butler? The stalker leaving mysterious messages in the mailbox? Or did she simply make a run for it, hoping to find a little peace away from the bright glare of fame? There’s only one ten year-old sleuth clever, tenacious, and tough enough to find out, and he won’t quit until he does.

I am fairly new to professional writing, Strike that. and made my official debut this past summer when Magic Wagon (the middle-grade branch of ABDO Publishing) released the Tommy Bomani: Teen Warrior series, an adventurous four-book project I sold without the aid of an agent. In the time since then I have also had a short story published in Skive Magazine. Reason for picking this agent. Please email me at email address to request a full manuscript, or if you’d just like to chat. I know reading query letters all day can be lonely and tiresome. I'd strike that last bit, too. And I agree with the previous poster that the way you've listed your pub credits is a bit awkward. Maybe try rewriting this last paragraph.

Thank you for your time,
Davy DeGreeff
Author of hot & humorous romances, debut novel coming in 2012 from Sourcebooks!
http://macybeckett.com/

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ddegreeff
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by ddegreeff » February 15th, 2010, 7:27 pm

Okay, to make sure we aren't getting recommendations on the same things repeatedly, here is an updated draft, and thank you so much for the tips!:

Dear Ms. Agentpants:

Most people would say that Brock Rockster is a prodigy. They’d say that his skills as a celebrated private investigator to the stars and world champion mustache grower set him apart as a ten-year-old worthy of astonishment, spoiling, and admiration. But Brock would just say he’s a winner. He wins. It’s what he does. GONE, KITTY, GONE: A BROCK ROCKSTER MYSTERY is a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 33,600 words, and is best enjoyed by kids who live for intrigue, hidden doors, painfully stupid rivals, and of course, being the absolute best.

When the celebrity cat and best friend of famed socialite Madame Poogery goes missing in the dead of night, she knows Brock Rockster is the detective she needs. Under the observant eye of a tag-along school news reporter, Brock must search for clues as he braves the strangeness of a creepy funhouse mansion and tries to avoid the side-swiping efforts of his most hated rival. Was Ms. Poofytail kidnapped by her poet monkey boyfriend? The clown costume-wearing butler? The stalker leaving mysterious messages in the mailbox? Or did she simply make a run for it, hoping to find a little peace away from the bright glare of fame? There’s only one ten year-old sleuth clever, tenacious, and tough enough to find out, and he won’t quit until he does.

My publishing credits include the TOMMY BOMANI: TEEN WARRIOR series, an adventurous four-book project I sold without the aid of an agent to Magic Wagon, the middle-grade arm of ABDO Publishing, and a short story that was published in the September ’09 issue of Skive Magazine. Reason for picking this agent. Please email me at email address if you’d like to request a full manuscript, or if you’d just like to chat. I know reading query letters all day can be lonely and tiresome.

Thank you for your time,
Davy DeGreeff
Davy DeGreeff
@TheBestDavy

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ddegreeff
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by ddegreeff » February 16th, 2010, 4:50 pm

If more people give me feedback on this, I will absolutely give you a high-five if we meet in person. That's a guarantee.
Davy DeGreeff
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cjtrapp
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by cjtrapp » February 16th, 2010, 4:57 pm

Changed very little word-wise, but rearranged it a bit.

Dear Ms. Agentpants:

Most people would say that Brock Rockster is a prodigy. They’d say that his skills as a celebrated private investigator to the stars and world champion mustache grower set him apart as a ten-year-old worthy of astonishment, spoiling, and admiration. But Brock would just say he’s a winner. He wins. It’s what he does.

When the celebrity cat and best friend of famed socialite Madame Poogery goes missing in the dead of night, she knows Brock Rockster is the detective she needs. Under the observant eye of a tag-along school news reporter, Brock must search for clues as he braves the strangeness of a creepy funhouse mansion and tries to avoid the side-swiping efforts of his most hated rival.

Was Ms. Poofytail kidnapped by her poet monkey boyfriend? The clown costume-wearing butler? The stalker leaving mysterious messages in the mailbox? Or did she simply make a run for it, hoping to find a little peace away from the bright glare of fame? There’s only one ten year-old sleuth clever, tenacious, and tough enough to find out--and he won’t quit until he does.

GONE, KITTY, GONE: A BROCK ROCKSTER MYSTERY is a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 33,600 words, and is best enjoyed by kids who live for intrigue, hidden doors, painfully stupid rivals, and of course, being the absolute best.

My publishing credits include the TOMMY BOMANI: TEEN WARRIOR series, an adventurous four-book project I sold without the aid of an agent to Magic Wagon, the middle-grade arm of ABDO Publishing, and a short story that was published in the September ’09 issue of Skive Magazine.

Reason for picking this agent. Please email me at email address if you’d like to request a full manuscript, or if you’d just like to chat. I know reading query letters all day can be lonely and tiresome.

Thank you for your time,
Davy DeGreeff[/quote]

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marilyn peake
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Re: Middle Grade Query

Post by marilyn peake » February 16th, 2010, 5:27 pm

Davy – This is an awesome query for what sounds like an awesome book! I added a few comments (in red) in places where possibly the language could be tightened up a bit more. Good luck to you. This book sounds great!

Dear Ms. Agentpants:

Most people would say that Brock Rockster is a prodigy. They’d say that his skills as a celebrated private investigator to the stars and world champion mustache grower set him apart as a ten-year-old worthy of astonishment, coddling, and admiration. But Brock Rockster would just say he’s a winner. He wins. It’s what he does. Gone, Kitty, Gone: A Brock Rockster Mystery [Book titles should be in all capital letters.] is a middle-grade mystery novel complete at 33,600 words, and is best enjoyed by kids who enjoy [I would change this second use of the word “enjoy” in the same sentence to another word such as “like” or “appreciate”.] intrigue, hidden doors, painfully stupid rivals, and of course, being the absolute best.

When the celebrity cat and best friend of famed socialite Madame Poogery goes missing in the dead of night, she knows Brock Rockster is the detective she needs. Under the observant eye of a tag-along school news reporter, Brock must search for clues as he braves the strangeness of a creepy funhouse mansion and tries to avoid the side-swiping [“side-swiping” should be spelled “sideswiping” without a dash] efforts of his most hated rival. Was Ms. Poofytail kidnapped by her poet monkey boyfriend? The clown costume-wearing butler? [I think maybe “clown costume-wearing” should be spelled “clown-costume-wearing”.] The stalker leaving mysterious messages in the mailbox? Or did she simply make a run for it, hoping to find a little peace away from the bright glare of fame? There’s only one ten year-old [I think “ten year-old” should be spelled “ten-year-old”] sleuth clever, tenacious, and tough enough to find out, and he won’t quit until he does.

I am fairly new to professional writing, and [I would leave out anything about being new. I would begin with, “I made my official writing debut ...”] made my official debut this past summer when Magic Wagon (the middle-grade branch of ABDO Publishing) released the Tommy Bomani: Teen Warrior [Book titles should be in all capital letters.] series, an adventurous four-book project I sold without the aid of an agent. In the time since then I have also had a short story published in Skive Magazine. Reason for picking this agent. Please email me at email address to request a full manuscript, or if you’d just like to chat. I know reading query letters all day can be lonely and tiresome.

Thank you for your time,
Davy DeGreeff
Marilyn Peake

Novels: THE FISHERMAN’S SON TRILOGY and GODS IN THE MACHINE. Numerous short stories. Contributor to BOOK: THE SEQUEL. Editor of several additional books. Awards include Silver Award, 2007 ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards.

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