Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hey Walker, I realize now that my query is too short. Thanks for opening my eyes. "Ace's cult idea": actually, this is the prevalent trend of "Rich Second Generation youth" in China, who are basically ... rich, young losers. I was really trying to cut down on the word count and s...

David Leung isn't just any spoiled, passive aggressive teenager who enjoys selling "a few grams of coke" for graphic sneakers; he also enjoys Nabokov, Japanese New Wave films, and meditating on the nature of sin while he commits them. However, in the second semester of Grade Twelve, he is ...

The premise of the book is pretty interesting to me (ahaha), but when you started with "Izzie becomes increasingly perverted" - watching her stepbrother? Then she begins to pretend that she's him? This to me is confusing, since at the beginning I thought the book was going to to be about h...

After the drawing board. Ever since Liz was little she has heard it all: she is a waste of music lessons, good isn’t good enough, Chinese people don’t play indie rock. While her classmates hang out at Tucson Mall, Liz practices piano for three hours a day. While other kids go to parties, Liz and her...

Looks like there's a widespread misconception that somehow this is about a girl with an abusive boyfriend. D:
Back to the drawing board.

Thank you! mwah. I do think that may be stronger; however, the peeps on the other forum indicated that Liz was 1. unlikeable 2. she deserved what she got and 3. the query, though concise, is not very enticing. I worry about the enticing factor very much. I know that you can't please everyone with a ...

Hi there! Yes, actually, after going on Agentquery (LOL) I derived this updated version. Most child prodigies burn out before they rise to any recognition, but Elizabeth “Liz” Choi refuses to let that happen. Ever since Liz was little she has heard it all: she is a waste of music lessons, good isn’t...

^ Well, the person above said what I was gonna say for the beginning.
The "I'd like to tell you a story" doesn't really match the tone of the rest of the query. Perhaps start with a line with more punch and one that fits the overall style of your novel.
Good luck!

Thank you! LOL.
When I was approaching this forum I was like, "oh God ... I'm ready to face major crushing now" and bracing myself for another month of query revisions. I do hope that this is succinct enough to emerge out of the slushpile. (Sorry, I'm just not very coherent now.)

Thank you for all of your feedback. Finally I've derived the essence of the plot after months of trying to beef it up into something bigger than it really is. The main plot (the edited query's getting there, just hold on) is really this: A prodigal Chinese-American girl is in pursuit of a record dea...

This is only my two cents, but it's typically better to not start with a question: "what happens when she falls in love with her adopted brother" ... Well, the reader would't know. There are a million answers to that.
Anyway that's just my opinion.

Yes, I do need to rephrase the stereotyping Asian sell out world tour thing. Far East Movement is pretty big, but I guess being a girl in the Arizona suburbs isn't exactly in the middle of Hollywood. Hmm, bars? They're too young. They do play frequently in less "legit places", so I shall g...

I actually worked on my query for two months already and having gotten prior feedback, decided to get more feedback from the folks here. So my bottom line is: I have tried my absolutely freaking best to not make your eyes burn and am on the verge of a mental breakdown [just kidding]. THIS IS THE EDI...

Most child prodigies burn out before they rise to any recognition, but Elizabeth “Liz” Choi refuses to let that happen. For most of Liz’s life she has been told by jealous classmates and well-intentioned parents alike that Asians will never play a prominent role in America’s culture industries. Whil...