Nathan Bransford - The Forums

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Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent, I’m contacting you because… Some people collect stamps; others keep coins. Daly English has a collection too: emotions I DO LIKE THIS SENTENCE BUT IT IS BULKY. HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE: DALY ENGLISH'S ONLY COLLECTS EMOTIONS, AND SHE IS NOT PROUD OF THAT. By keeping her feelin...

VERSION # 1,000,000,000,0001 (just that I dont post the ones i come up with in my brain) Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun people: her body can absorb fire, she re-incarnates, silently watching the progression of the human race. And she’s in love with a mermaid, Dave Douglas. Dave has one li...

Thanks to all of you for your comments! I see that the first line has gotten everyone- and not in a good way. I am working on the next version, hoping to combine all the suggestions given here. will post that up in a few hours. just a quick question- wasnt this query a on the short side? Thanks again

Dear Agent; While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, an act that transports Kat and four of her classmates to a world called Creos SO THIS IMPLIES BLOODSHED IT THE METHOD OF ENTERING CREOS, RIGHT?. Faced with challenges greater than ...

I am back with a lot more optimism and a larger appetite for help. please stab the query left right and center, till it touches the brink of perfection. below is the basic chunk: Agora Beckwith’s life isn't getting any brighter by Dave’s love, its getting shorter. That is but a small price for givin...

Back again for some more feedback! thanks in advance for your help Christine Longman has been toiling nonstop for 40 years, each day working to fulfil her version of the American dream. She left high school with blazing transcripts and a few broken hearts- including her own. There are scars on her h...

Dear Agent: Will is trapped. He’s the youngest of the McAndrew brothers, three men who exist mainly for sex, drinking and trouble. PERFECT! They’ve also been living under a spell. THIS IS TOO... BANG ON? I MEAN HOW ABOUT YOU START WITH THE SPELL AND THEN GO ON TO THEM EXISTING FOR SEX, DRINKING AND...

Dear Agent, Sixteen year-old Alex Montoya hates children. But other than babysitting he's run out of options to make money. A couple replies to his ad, asking him to babysit their twelve year-old son, Haley. TOO CASUAL Alex finds himself dealing with a boy who tortures his cat, throws soda cans at ...

The first 250 words of my novel, A Lullaby which is a YA fantasy, well just on the brink of paranormal romance too. Rip it apart. I can take it (I think). I wanted to stop my feet from tapping erratically. I always did that when I was anxious- sometimes it was when I had too much dessert or when I w...

Wow. Thank you to all of the people that have posted and helped improve my query letter. I just wanted to update and say that I received a response for the first 30 pages today with your assistance. First time it has ever happened to me and it feels really good, even though I know it is only a baby...

Thanks Nathan!

My suggestions are in capital letters, inserted in your letter WESTERN WASTE is a 102,000-word work of commercial fiction THIS SHOULD BE AT THE END, with a humorous slant THE 'HUMOROUS SLANT' IS NOT NECESSARY- LET THE AGENT DECIDE, following three eventful years in the life of a young female journal...

James Kesumare lived an ordinary life until the extraordinary TOO VAGUE- IT KIND OF PUT ME OFF BECAUSE GENERALLY, EVERY STORY IS ABOUT HOW SOMETHING OUT OF THE BLUE HAPPENS. BE CONCISE FROM THE FIRST SENTENCEcame to him. Torn away from a life like our own he finds himself inadvertently linked to th...